I Dont Know What To Do

*caution profanity ahead*

I dont know what to do with my life right now. I feel so lost again. 

I started dating a guy in feb, A, and i pretty much fell for him. At the beginning i felt all those warm fuzzy feelings that ive never really felt before when being with someone but now, i dont really feel them anymore.... And i really want to.

 Maybe were spending too much time together and moving too fast with making plans to move to Fargo and get a place together. I feel like an idiot with him. Not like an idiot in love or whatever nonsense, like a very stupid fuck up with nothing but air in my head. I cant have conversations with him about the things he likes and cant do that with the very few things i like and i just feel like im not right for him. And our intrests are so different. I do love him and i want to stay with him and go to Fargo with him but im honestly having second thoughts. 

We've been arguing a lot lately. About lots of things. And i think my dad put it best when he said we're trying to change each other. Cause really, we are. And im getting sick of it. I quit smoking for him and he quit eating fast food but there are other things he eats and take that i dont agree with and we argue about it cause i want all organic stuff and im fucking horrible at arguing. I always think of good things and facts to say AFTER the argument is over. 

And we dont just fight about that. Another big thing is when he talks to me or asks me something and i dont answer and just look at him with a blank stare. He thinks its cause i dont want to say something but really, theres nothing going on in my fucking brain and i feel like a stupid shitty person. I dont know wtf is wrong with me but something is not right with me. I wish i knew what it was so i could fix it.   Nothing i ever do is ever right or good enough for anyone. I feel like he's just settling for me. Like he'd rather have someone else and i just came along at the right time.  And i feel like my shyness to open up emotionally and sexually is gonna drive him away cause hes not patient and he makes me feel like shit when were talking or doing things because he wants me to do stuff im not comfortable doing and dont know if i ever will be even though its been 3 months. 

I think i could be burning out. I havent had a decent nights sleep in months. All i do is work, go to bed an hr or two after getting home, and all my free time is spent trying to fit time to see him and wanting to stay home so i can actually sleep in my bed peacefully with my cats. Its not like i dont like sleeping with him, i do, its that i dont sleep well with him, almost ever, especially cause at his place hes got such a skinny bed and im used to sleeping curled up on my side and with him i have to sleep straight. 

Sigh i dont know what im gonna do and i dont really have anyone to talk to about this shit :/

Update

Job:  In February I quit my job at bk and started working in customer service in Publisher's Clearing House. Making bout 3$ more an hour and 3x as much a month and still barely making it paycheck to paycheck. And it wasn't much of an upgrade in the quality of the job. Get lots of bitchy customers and I have to sit for 8 hrs a day pretty much. I feel so damn lazy and weak. The guy I sit next to is pretty cool and very helpful sometimes. I'd suck so bad at my job if it weren't for him. There are some other cool people there but I don't really associate with anyone else. It was kinda cool when I started working I found out a girl I went to middle skool with worked there too. We were never really friends or anything but we've started talking and hanging out. I;m hoping not to be there for more than 6 months. Already been there 2 and I hate it so much.

Car:   I used my dads truck most of the winter because my little car crapped out on me. Just recently got it fixed. Had a new engine put in. Yeah it's gonna take awhile to pay that back cause my dad paid for most of it. Im happy to finally have it back though. And not just cause it's sooo much cheaper to drive than my dads truck. Still got a lot of work left to do on it but one thing at a time right now.

Falling in love again: I didn't think it would be possible for me to fall in love again. At least not for a much longer time than 6 months. Tried and failed many times and have finally succeeded. So glad I didn't do what most people do and shut myself off from everything. If I had I wouldn't have found a great guy ;) Met online first then in person on Valentines Day. Kinda sweet lol. I feel so much more happy with him than I have with any other guy. Except maybe mike but I know that after some time I'll be more happy and comfortable with him than I was even with mike.

We're looking to move in together in bout a month. Maybe we're moving too fast but that's our only option if we want to stay together and I don't feel like it's going too fast. I want to see him more than just on weekends and I want to move out of my moms place. Trouble now is finding somewhere to go thats not too far from work and all that shit.

I need a vacation

I seriously need a very long vacation somewhere very far away. I'm going crazy dealing with all this stress recently. So many things I've got on my mind. As always I'll start with the most recent.

On Jan 6th I had an abortion... My 'boytoy' M got me pregnant. We never used protection, not a good decision I know but I don't really like the feel of condoms, too rubbery. Don't know exactly how long I was pregnant but I was several weeks along. I was not emotionally, physically, or financially ready to give birth to a kid. I had to get the abortion even though I didn't really want to. And M was no help at all. The ONLY two things he did right was pay for the procedure and drive me. He didn't offer any support or comfort for me at all. After I came out of the apt he asked me if things 'went smoothly' and if I saw the fetus after they took it out. Who the fuck asks that?! That was completely insensitive in my opinion considering I had just been trough a very traumatic experience. It was horrible. I never wanna go through something like that again. If I ever get pregnant again and not able to keep it then I'm gonna have the kid and give it up for adoption. An open adoption. If the kid ever wants to find me later in life I don't want to hide from them. I just wish that I had had more support from the guy who knocked me up. He never asked me how I was feeling, never touched me, never acted like he cared about me. He just acted like the only thing he cared about was taking care of this 'problem' with money, just sweeping it under the rug. I don't think I'll be seeing him again after this. At least for anything except acquiring alcohol.
I did have friends for support though. My coworker J at work, but he wasn't much help either. Had my friend H, one of my only girl friends, and she really helped me more than any of the guys did. I wish I could've talked to my mom about it but I couldn't let her know, she'd be so disappointed and would judge me even though I'm her only daughter. And hell if my dad ever found out. He'd see me like my piece of shit half sister, and I don't want that either. But if this ever happens again I suppose I'll have to deal with that.

Right now I'm staying at my gmas house while she's gone away in Hawaii for a few months. I'll only be staying here till the end of the month but if I find a full time job I can stay here the whole time and pay for it. I really hope I can find a job and stay here the whole time. I can't stand living with my mother anymore. It's disgustig over there and so fucking cluttered. I just can't deal with it anymore. Except for the cold and creepiness of  old house in the country I like staying over here by myself with my cats and dog. I like having a place to myself. Gettin ome jobs lined up so I can start making some cash and stay here the rest of the three months shes gone. Sigh that would be so nice.

Had an interview at Aldi grocery store. I think it went well but I'm not used to interviews so I won't know for a week. They said they'd call in a week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview.  I hope they call. It seems like a really cool and fast paced place to work and a really good place to get experience.

Got a call from my moms work, after having sent in an application a little over two months ago. It's a phone place. Don't really wanna do it but I gave em a call anyway. Hopefully they call back and set up an interview. I really need to be making more money. Have to fix my car and my dads truck. My car has engine problems and its been hit so many times from being parked at BK that it now need body work. Same thing for my dads truck which he lent me while my car gets worked on. Really pissed about my cars getting hit and I'm not the only one its happened to.


Sigh I could really use a vacation. Or at the very least another metal concert.

Here I am Again

Holy crap its been so long since I've posted a blog. Wished I could have the past few months but I had no computer or internet and I hate typing long things on my crappy little phone. A lot, and I mean a lot, has happened. Phew I don't even know where to start. So like always I'll just start with the most recent stuff.

Work:
Been working at bk for about 8 months now. Holy shit time has flown. The crew that I work with at night has become like my second family. I love em so much haha. Definitely gonna keep a few friends from here. Maybe. Things have been iffy with me and one of the cooks, J, hes older, 43 years older than me, and we have gotten really close the past few months. We talk about everything. even sex stuff and I tease him quite a bit. Though I was teasing him when I was with my ex(long story) and now that we're not together he wants a whole relationship with and I don't. I just got out of semi serious relationship. I cant even feel! I'll admit I want to have sex with him cause he's experienced and no guy has ever made me orgasm and he talks about things that I want to try. Sigh. Fuck.

Money/Moving Out:


Boytoy:
So I have a bit of a boy toy haha. M. We drink, we watch tv shows and movies, we hang out, we talk, we have sex. Whoo boy I think I might be becoming a little bit of a nymphomaniac cause I just want to go over there and drink and fuck and I don't wanna stop. I really like being with him sometimes though. Not judgmental, except about my movie and music choices ha, and is always around when I need him. It's nice to have someone reliable around.

Exboyfriend:
So my bf that I was with, dumped me. He joined the marines and left without a word basically. When he left for his three month basic training we were perfectly fine and in love. Didnt indicate that he didn't wanna be with me in any of his letters and it was quite the contrary. Was always saying how much he missed me and wished he was back with me instead. Then he came back, and did nothing. Literally.

Was back for two days and had phone (ipod with texting) for a day and didnt even text me. I was scrolling through fb and I saw he posted his number on there saying he was back. And I stupidly texted him first. I should have waited for him to text me first. So I text him and it's like midnight and I see if he wanted to see each other and he said yeah that he was at our friend pestas house right in town. (I had texted pesta earlier that day asking if he had had any word from mike yet and he hever even replied) So I go over there and hang with them a little bit and it was kinda horrible. pesta never gave us a moment alone and mike didnt even seem like he wanted to kiss or hug or even touch me. hugged and kissed me a few times and then kept fucking poking me. And it was wasnt nicely either. Then after an hour or two I left cause they were falling asleep. So I got up to go and kinda took my time getting my shoes on and saying I was going and what not and he just sat there and didnt wanna walk me out or anything. Something he would have done before he left for his training.

It was like this for the whole week. Wouldn't text me, and when I texted him trying to make conversation he just wouldn't do it. Only tried to get together once and that didn't even work out apparently cause he didn't have a ride. And I took off that whole week cause I knew he'd be home. and if my fucking tire hadn't blown I'd have been over trying to see him but the roads to his house are fricken horrible and I was driving with a spare tire. So for the week I spent most of time over at my boytoys place. I found out from a friend that mike was spending most of his time over at other peoples houses partying and 'trying to get laid.' And not by me, his fucking gf.

Then came the little thing I planned as a homecoming party for him.

Over a month in advance I asked all of our friends if they would like to do somthing for him and what they would like to do. I gave them choices and we all agreed on the RenFest. So I made the plans that we would leave about 10am and go to The Pannekoeken Huis on our way down to eat and then go to the RenFest. I made sure that eeveryone would be able to afford it and would go. They all said yes. I dont care what anyone says that IS a commitment. And when Mike came back I asked him if he would like to do that and he said yes and that he could afford it. Timmy, Matt Victoria Arik, and Dan all showed up on time. But Derk Pesta and Mike kept us all waiting for an hour because they were fucking eating at subway when I told all them to be there at a certain time and that we had plans to eat on the way. Then they get there and I told everyone to get in the cars we NEED to leave. Dan and I drove. Derk, Pesta, mike, and Arik went with dan. Timmy, matt, and victoria came with me. They took a different way down than we did. So after awhile of driving we got to Pannekoeken and I didn't wait for them losers this time. We sit down and I have matt text them and ask them where they are, apparently they drove all the way to the RenFest, decided the line to get in was too long, turned around, and fucking went home. That pissed me off. They made us late for aboslutely nothing. They went back to pestas place and played video games the rest of the day and night. And the rest of us only had like 2-3 hours there cause they held us up. On the way home I had matt text em to ask if they wanted a bonfire at least when we got back. They said no. By that point I was seething and extremely suspicious. Arik told victoria that mike was acting and saying things like he was single. what I dont know. And mike apologized to victoria! Not the one who spent so much time planning a fun event for his time at home trying to do something special that they just fucking shit on for nothing! That killed my love for him. And when he left two days later with no reply to any of my messages, no explanation, no goodbye, no fucking nothing, i fucking hurt like hell, but that just killed it even more for me. I'll always have a small part that loves him, but it's not enough to fight anymore.

I was talking with my friend at work J and he told me more about the military and what mikes situation probably is than mike EVER mentioned to me. Apparently they like their slaves to have no connections and they break the weak. mike was weak and he let them brek him and throw me away. I wouldve done anything and gone anywhere for him but no, he wanted no more of it. Said we didn't get along, which was bullshit of course cause yeah, we've had our fights. Everybody fights and we're bith extremely stubborn. But when I tell other people the stories of shit he does/has done I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't me who was in the wrong. Especially with the RenFest shit. Everyone I told that story to agreed that that was extremely shitty of them and it's not an opinionated kind of story, its a factual one. If you understand what im talking about.

So after J informed me of everything and I thought about it for awhile I decided if he really wants to give up AGAIN then I'm not going to hang around waiting for a guy who treats me like shit like that. But of course he's not gonna get away without being bitched the fuck out like he deserves cause I did nothing to derserve this kind of disrespectful and inconsiderate treatment. From anybody. I don't understand what so hard about telling the truth nowadays. Like it's some kind of disease or something.

There ya have it. The story behind the break up with the love of my life. If I ever love again it's not gonna be for a very loooooonnnggg time.

　

Losing friends:
After that shit with the Renfest I tossed those 'friends.' Too often have they done shit like that and I was not gonna put up with it anymore. Pesta derk and dan have been kicked to the curb unfortunately. Gonna miss those fuckers but I ain't gonna put up with being treated like that and gettin shit on everytime I try to do something other than play stupid video games, cause thats all they really do.

Another friend I lost was D. Been friends for a few years and he was one of those friends that had a huge crush on me and made sure I knew it every chance he got. Was way too sensitive. I can only take so much shit before I snap and after telling him too many times to count that I only like him as a friend, did not want to date or anything like that, and would never feel that way I snapped big time. I told him if he couldn't get over me then we need to take a break from each other for awhile. Then he went and blocked me on fb. Didn't really need to go that far but fuck it. I'm sick of repeating myself and stressin over that shit so maybe it's for the better.

　

Kamelot:
Seeing Kamelot on Sept 13th was the best night of my life. I wish I could've seen them when Roy Khan was still with them but Tommy Karevik did a real good job of replacing him :D My dad and I went on a road trip to Kansas to see them cause thats the closest they were getting to MN on there North American tour. The car ride and the motels were horrible but it was worth it to see them live. And we had VIP passes!! So I got to meet them and take a picture with them! Oh man it was like a dream. When we got around to taking the picture I bee-lined it toward Tommy cause he is SO FINE! Ha and I am not kidding. Phew that man could do anything he wanted to me and I would be totally okay with it. And when I got right up to the stage I was filming the whole concert. We totally had a 'moment' :) I think theyll remember me cause of my multi-colored hair. They all told me they liked XD And when I saw the pics for their next concert, their guest female singer had a streak of yellow in her blue hair haha. Took a picture with one of the girls from Ekilpse and she told me she liked it too. The poster they signed, my ticket and wristband are taped to my door right now and I've worn the hoodie I bought there almost every single since then. I never wanted to take it off. And it was so lucky that I wore my Epica hoodie there cause the keyboardist for Epica was filling in for the Kamelot keyboardist and I had him sign my hoodie. Havent worn that yet cause I dont want it to fade at all before I iron it and make it permanent. Pretty much been non-stop listening to their music since I had a friend download all their albums for me as well heehee. Even have one from Conception, first band Roy Khan was with, and 4 of Seventh Wonders albums and that is Tommys other band. Would really love to see them in concert too cause theyre pretty good as well. Though not as good as Kamelot ha. Sigh I wish my dad had found them sooner. Or I had. Then I could've seen Roy. And his voice is number one in my book. Nothing compares to it. Ever read a book, and a a scene in it was described so vividly and perfectly that you felt like you could picture it clearly like you were right there? Well thats what his voice sounds like to me and Tommy can actually do but it's not as.... potent... as Roy. Still fricken amazing though :D hence the use of all the happy emoticons haha

Back With A Vengeance

So I feel like talking again. And I've got a lot that I need to rant about now. This might be a very long post so you might wanna get some popcorn and get comfortable or something.

I'll start with the most recent thing that is giving me stress: rent.

I live with my mom and we get reduced income. Or at least we used to. It was 280$ a month for a two bedroom apt. Now its 540$. My mom barely makes 700$ a month and its her income that we are mostly living off of. I want to pitch in, but I barely get 10 hrs a week and with this stupid class im taking, the days I can work are friday through monday. Between me and my mom, we are not making enough money at all to support ourselves. I hate this stupid rent system and the stupid apt we're living in. I wanna move out and get my own place already.

On to my next topic: sewing class

My class days are tuesday through thursday right now. I cant wait for this damn class to be over with already. they have wasted so much of our time and in our case, so much fucking gas and gas money. This class was a mistake. We learned more in three days in an industry rotation (similar to an internship) than we did in the whole 4 months of the class at dunwoody. This was the first course like this and they completely fucked it up. Everything was wrong about it, the teachers (except for a few) sucked mostly because they had never taught before and the last on that had taught, was the worst; the hours, 5pm to 9pm, they may have felt smart making the class in the evening but that meant everybody was driving in rush hour traffic, and most most of us wouldn't be getting home till 10pm when we have to get up very fucking early the next morning; the length, 2 to 3 days a week, pathetic, everything we 'learned' in the few days was forgotten by the time we came back the next week; the classmates, a few were okay, but there were the know it alls who hogged the machines, the whiners who wouldnt listen and would not stop complaining that they couldnt do what they were told, and the real students, who actually knew a little about sewing, maybe had a little experience, and really did want to learn, and then there was edward who was in a league of his own, that guy pissed everyone off with his condescending attitude towards everyone; the machines, pieces of shit! always breaking down and not working right and when they did, the people who already knew everything about sewing were always on them and working at them and just not letting anybody else get time on them! This class has pissed me off more than anything! Ugh enough about the class.

Third topic: staying with my gma carol during the week

Okay, I like being able to see my gma and whatnot but her driving, it scares the living shit outta me! Not kidding. She is a very dangerous driver. Thankfully I now have my license and she'll let me drive if I ask but when she drives, I plaster myself to  my seat trying just to avoid getting whiplash with her stop and go driving. It's slam on the gas, then slam the brakes and back and forth. Ohhh im so glad that next week I don't have to go through this again. Hopefully I'll have a car the next time I come down so I won't have to deal with that ever again.

Fourth topic: my sister/ family

Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm related to most of the people in my family. Especially the ones on my dads side. My sister is my half sister. We have different moms. And we are polar opposites. She was up in MN last week (lives in TX) staying with my gma because she was going through some court stuff with her mom over her son. egh. And here she is, staying with my gma, rent free and not paying for food, gas or anything like that, and just being a complete bitch to my gma. Yelling at her for stupid shit when she doesn't get her way, calling her a cunt and bitch to her face and behind her back, and just complaining like she doesn't do enough for her and yet here she is paying my sisters child support! My sister even wanted me to basically steal my gmas car and drive her to a party and to get liqour. I said no. Last time I drove her around (with gmas car when she wasnt here) she was getting crack and I was driving her all through mpls trying to find her dealer all night! When I say all night I mean from about 10pm till about 8am. I was not gonna fucking go through that again. Not to mention lie to my gma and basically steal from her. Quite a few times my sister made a comment that my gma liked me more than her. I didn't say anything but in my head I was thinking, 'yeah, because I'm not an irresponsible shit like you are.' I cannot believe how ungrateful and selfish she is. Pretty much exactly like her parents. Sigh.

Fifth topic: work at bk

Money. I need it bad. And I need to find a better fricken job now. The manager who hired me quit soon after I started working. From what I heard he didn't get along with the district manager. The manager who quit (we'll call him T) was the one who did the scheduling. He understood how to give people good hours. Burger King is in Clearwater and I live in Annandale. I was getting two hour shifts. That is not worth the gas money to drive back and forth between annadale and clearwater. So I told this to T. He understood that and gave me longer shifts. Then he quit. And the district manager (we'll call her N) started doing the scheduling. And she fucked everything up extremely bad. Last friday I wanted to go to my friends graduation ceremony. But the time I was scheduled to work was during it so I tried finding someone to cover my shift. Couldnt find anybody. Everybody was already fucking working.... And I'm not kidding about that. I skipped work. Seeing my friends walk (and seeing my bf for the first time in over a week) was way more important to me when they didnt even need me.   Okay, when I was hired I gave T a photocopy of a calender i have with my class days written on it. I couldnt work on class days. When T quit and N came around asking everybody about their hours I gave the same copy to her. And yet last week she scheduled me on a day I had class and when I called in thursday saying I couldnt work friday, I got bitched at for not being there that day. Not my fucking fault you guys fucking suck at management. Besides the scheduling and the shitty hours, working almost every day that I dont have class, I like working at bk. Except for one person who does nothing but piss me off, we shall call her A-hole. She used to be a manager, but got demoted, and yet she still acts like she's top fucking shit. All she does is stand around telling everyone what to do. Like last weekend, I was working front counter, and when you work front counter it is your job to make sure that lobby stays clean. So I was going around cleaning tables that people had left. A-hole comes up to me and tells me to mop the q area (where you walk in a line at the front counter) and I said sure. But I was not going to drop what I was doing and do what she wanted. I had a few more tables to do so I figured I'd do those first and then mop. I finished the tables and had started to mop when a few customers came in and I had to take their orders. That took awhile and A-hole took off with the mop I had left out. Then when they had left I heard her complaining to the manager(C) in the back about how I didn't do what she had asked. I was so fucking pissed off and ready to go bitch her out. And I wasn't the only one. I don't think anybody who works there likes her. We all just pity her and are nice to her face but bitch about her behind her back. Pathetic I know, but, if she tries telling me how to fucking clean again, I'm gonna bitch her out. I know how to fucking clean! I've worked with my dad who is pretty much mr fucking clean for 10 gawddamn years! I take it as an insult when anybody tries to tell me how to clean! Gaaaaggghhh!

Sixth topic: social/ love life

Sigh I wouldn't feel so stressed about everything if I could just hang out with my friends and see the love of my life more often. But to do that I need money, a car, and time. It's just a never ending circle. Waaahhhhh! At least me and my boyfriend have been getting closer lately. We had a huge fight about twoo weeks ago and we actually talked through it. Face to face. Not text. That felt good to be able to resolve our problem by actually talking to each other. I cried and he paced and it was great. It feels like every time we get through something like this, it brings us together. More and more I feel like this doesnt need to be an open relationship, but when he leaves in August for training for a few months and then when he actually ships out, I don't know if I'll feel the same way.

Oh I need some help.

Thanks for listening. Toodles

Closing off

Lately I have really not felt like talking to anyone or anything so I will not be posting anything besides poems for awhile. Sigh I've closed myself off before but there was always ONE person I could talk to. Not now. I don't know how long this will last for so ill try to keep up with my poems. Sayonara

"For Being"

For being obsessive
You're not very committed
Is it me
Or is it all you

For being flirtatious
You don't really talk to me
Sure I didn't try to call you
But its not like you made much of an effort either

For being talkative
You hardly talk to me
You talk to my friend about our 'relationship'
If you can even call it that

For being friendly
You sure have a lot of friends
Most of them being girls
Are you sure it was your girlfriend cheating on YOU

For being a good guy
You emotionally cheat on me
You don't do anything with or to me
Except piss me off

*dedicated to my bf at the time brandon wahlstrom. Hate him now*