I Dont Know What To Do

*caution profanity ahead*

I dont know what to do with my life right now. I feel so lost again. 

I started dating a guy in feb, A, and i pretty much fell for him. At the beginning i felt all those warm fuzzy feelings that ive never really felt before when being with someone but now, i dont really feel them anymore.... And i really want to.

 Maybe were spending too much time together and moving too fast with making plans to move to Fargo and get a place together. I feel like an idiot with him. Not like an idiot in love or whatever nonsense, like a very stupid fuck up with nothing but air in my head. I cant have conversations with him about the things he likes and cant do that with the very few things i like and i just feel like im not right for him. And our intrests are so different. I do love him and i want to stay with him and go to Fargo with him but im honestly having second thoughts. 

We've been arguing a lot lately. About lots of things. And i think my dad put it best when he said we're trying to change each other. Cause really, we are. And im getting sick of it. I quit smoking for him and he quit eating fast food but there are other things he eats and take that i dont agree with and we argue about it cause i want all organic stuff and im fucking horrible at arguing. I always think of good things and facts to say AFTER the argument is over. 

And we dont just fight about that. Another big thing is when he talks to me or asks me something and i dont answer and just look at him with a blank stare. He thinks its cause i dont want to say something but really, theres nothing going on in my fucking brain and i feel like a stupid shitty person. I dont know wtf is wrong with me but something is not right with me. I wish i knew what it was so i could fix it.   Nothing i ever do is ever right or good enough for anyone. I feel like he's just settling for me. Like he'd rather have someone else and i just came along at the right time.  And i feel like my shyness to open up emotionally and sexually is gonna drive him away cause hes not patient and he makes me feel like shit when were talking or doing things because he wants me to do stuff im not comfortable doing and dont know if i ever will be even though its been 3 months. 

I think i could be burning out. I havent had a decent nights sleep in months. All i do is work, go to bed an hr or two after getting home, and all my free time is spent trying to fit time to see him and wanting to stay home so i can actually sleep in my bed peacefully with my cats. Its not like i dont like sleeping with him, i do, its that i dont sleep well with him, almost ever, especially cause at his place hes got such a skinny bed and im used to sleeping curled up on my side and with him i have to sleep straight. 

Sigh i dont know what im gonna do and i dont really have anyone to talk to about this shit :/

Update

Job:  In February I quit my job at bk and started working in customer service in Publisher's Clearing House. Making bout 3$ more an hour and 3x as much a month and still barely making it paycheck to paycheck. And it wasn't much of an upgrade in the quality of the job. Get lots of bitchy customers and I have to sit for 8 hrs a day pretty much. I feel so damn lazy and weak. The guy I sit next to is pretty cool and very helpful sometimes. I'd suck so bad at my job if it weren't for him. There are some other cool people there but I don't really associate with anyone else. It was kinda cool when I started working I found out a girl I went to middle skool with worked there too. We were never really friends or anything but we've started talking and hanging out. I;m hoping not to be there for more than 6 months. Already been there 2 and I hate it so much.

Car:   I used my dads truck most of the winter because my little car crapped out on me. Just recently got it fixed. Had a new engine put in. Yeah it's gonna take awhile to pay that back cause my dad paid for most of it. Im happy to finally have it back though. And not just cause it's sooo much cheaper to drive than my dads truck. Still got a lot of work left to do on it but one thing at a time right now.

Falling in love again: I didn't think it would be possible for me to fall in love again. At least not for a much longer time than 6 months. Tried and failed many times and have finally succeeded. So glad I didn't do what most people do and shut myself off from everything. If I had I wouldn't have found a great guy ;) Met online first then in person on Valentines Day. Kinda sweet lol. I feel so much more happy with him than I have with any other guy. Except maybe mike but I know that after some time I'll be more happy and comfortable with him than I was even with mike.

We're looking to move in together in bout a month. Maybe we're moving too fast but that's our only option if we want to stay together and I don't feel like it's going too fast. I want to see him more than just on weekends and I want to move out of my moms place. Trouble now is finding somewhere to go thats not too far from work and all that shit.

I need a vacation

I seriously need a very long vacation somewhere very far away. I'm going crazy dealing with all this stress recently. So many things I've got on my mind. As always I'll start with the most recent.

On Jan 6th I had an abortion... My 'boytoy' M got me pregnant. We never used protection, not a good decision I know but I don't really like the feel of condoms, too rubbery. Don't know exactly how long I was pregnant but I was several weeks along. I was not emotionally, physically, or financially ready to give birth to a kid. I had to get the abortion even though I didn't really want to. And M was no help at all. The ONLY two things he did right was pay for the procedure and drive me. He didn't offer any support or comfort for me at all. After I came out of the apt he asked me if things 'went smoothly' and if I saw the fetus after they took it out. Who the fuck asks that?! That was completely insensitive in my opinion considering I had just been trough a very traumatic experience. It was horrible. I never wanna go through something like that again. If I ever get pregnant again and not able to keep it then I'm gonna have the kid and give it up for adoption. An open adoption. If the kid ever wants to find me later in life I don't want to hide from them. I just wish that I had had more support from the guy who knocked me up. He never asked me how I was feeling, never touched me, never acted like he cared about me. He just acted like the only thing he cared about was taking care of this 'problem' with money, just sweeping it under the rug. I don't think I'll be seeing him again after this. At least for anything except acquiring alcohol.
I did have friends for support though. My coworker J at work, but he wasn't much help either. Had my friend H, one of my only girl friends, and she really helped me more than any of the guys did. I wish I could've talked to my mom about it but I couldn't let her know, she'd be so disappointed and would judge me even though I'm her only daughter. And hell if my dad ever found out. He'd see me like my piece of shit half sister, and I don't want that either. But if this ever happens again I suppose I'll have to deal with that.

Right now I'm staying at my gmas house while she's gone away in Hawaii for a few months. I'll only be staying here till the end of the month but if I find a full time job I can stay here the whole time and pay for it. I really hope I can find a job and stay here the whole time. I can't stand living with my mother anymore. It's disgustig over there and so fucking cluttered. I just can't deal with it anymore. Except for the cold and creepiness of  old house in the country I like staying over here by myself with my cats and dog. I like having a place to myself. Gettin ome jobs lined up so I can start making some cash and stay here the rest of the three months shes gone. Sigh that would be so nice.

Had an interview at Aldi grocery store. I think it went well but I'm not used to interviews so I won't know for a week. They said they'd call in a week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview.  I hope they call. It seems like a really cool and fast paced place to work and a really good place to get experience.

Got a call from my moms work, after having sent in an application a little over two months ago. It's a phone place. Don't really wanna do it but I gave em a call anyway. Hopefully they call back and set up an interview. I really need to be making more money. Have to fix my car and my dads truck. My car has engine problems and its been hit so many times from being parked at BK that it now need body work. Same thing for my dads truck which he lent me while my car gets worked on. Really pissed about my cars getting hit and I'm not the only one its happened to.


Sigh I could really use a vacation. Or at the very least another metal concert.