I seriously need a very long vacation somewhere very far away. I'm going crazy dealing with all this stress recently. So many things I've got on my mind. As always I'll start with the most recent.
On Jan 6th I had an abortion... My 'boytoy' M got me pregnant. We never used protection, not a good decision I know but I don't really like the feel of condoms, too rubbery. Don't know exactly how long I was pregnant but I was several weeks along. I was not emotionally, physically, or financially ready to give birth to a kid. I had to get the abortion even though I didn't really want to. And M was no help at all. The ONLY two things he did right was pay for the procedure and drive me. He didn't offer any support or comfort for me at all. After I came out of the apt he asked me if things 'went smoothly' and if I saw the fetus after they took it out. Who the fuck asks that?! That was completely insensitive in my opinion considering I had just been trough a very traumatic experience. It was horrible. I never wanna go through something like that again. If I ever get pregnant again and not able to keep it then I'm gonna have the kid and give it up for adoption. An open adoption. If the kid ever wants to find me later in life I don't want to hide from them. I just wish that I had had more support from the guy who knocked me up. He never asked me how I was feeling, never touched me, never acted like he cared about me. He just acted like the only thing he cared about was taking care of this 'problem' with money, just sweeping it under the rug. I don't think I'll be seeing him again after this. At least for anything except acquiring alcohol.
I did have friends for support though. My coworker J at work, but he wasn't much help either. Had my friend H, one of my only girl friends, and she really helped me more than any of the guys did. I wish I could've talked to my mom about it but I couldn't let her know, she'd be so disappointed and would judge me even though I'm her only daughter. And hell if my dad ever found out. He'd see me like my piece of shit half sister, and I don't want that either. But if this ever happens again I suppose I'll have to deal with that.
Right now I'm staying at my gmas house while she's gone away in Hawaii for a few months. I'll only be staying here till the end of the month but if I find a full time job I can stay here the whole time and pay for it. I really hope I can find a job and stay here the whole time. I can't stand living with my mother anymore. It's disgustig over there and so fucking cluttered. I just can't deal with it anymore. Except for the cold and creepiness of old house in the country I like staying over here by myself with my cats and dog. I like having a place to myself. Gettin ome jobs lined up so I can start making some cash and stay here the rest of the three months shes gone. Sigh that would be so nice.
Had an interview at Aldi grocery store. I think it went well but I'm not used to interviews so I won't know for a week. They said they'd call in a week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview. I hope they call. It seems like a really cool and fast paced place to work and a really good place to get experience.
Got a call from my moms work, after having sent in an application a little over two months ago. It's a phone place. Don't really wanna do it but I gave em a call anyway. Hopefully they call back and set up an interview. I really need to be making more money. Have to fix my car and my dads truck. My car has engine problems and its been hit so many times from being parked at BK that it now need body work. Same thing for my dads truck which he lent me while my car gets worked on. Really pissed about my cars getting hit and I'm not the only one its happened to.
Sigh I could really use a vacation. Or at the very least another metal concert.
