*caution profanity ahead*
I started dating a guy in feb, A, and i pretty much fell for him. At the beginning i felt all those warm fuzzy feelings that ive never really felt before when being with someone but now, i dont really feel them anymore.... And i really want to.
Maybe were spending too much time together and moving too fast with making plans to move to Fargo and get a place together. I feel like an idiot with him. Not like an idiot in love or whatever nonsense, like a very stupid fuck up with nothing but air in my head. I cant have conversations with him about the things he likes and cant do that with the very few things i like and i just feel like im not right for him. And our intrests are so different. I do love him and i want to stay with him and go to Fargo with him but im honestly having second thoughts.
We've been arguing a lot lately. About lots of things. And i think my dad put it best when he said we're trying to change each other. Cause really, we are. And im getting sick of it. I quit smoking for him and he quit eating fast food but there are other things he eats and take that i dont agree with and we argue about it cause i want all organic stuff and im fucking horrible at arguing. I always think of good things and facts to say AFTER the argument is over.
And we dont just fight about that. Another big thing is when he talks to me or asks me something and i dont answer and just look at him with a blank stare. He thinks its cause i dont want to say something but really, theres nothing going on in my fucking brain and i feel like a stupid shitty person. I dont know wtf is wrong with me but something is not right with me. I wish i knew what it was so i could fix it. Nothing i ever do is ever right or good enough for anyone. I feel like he's just settling for me. Like he'd rather have someone else and i just came along at the right time. And i feel like my shyness to open up emotionally and sexually is gonna drive him away cause hes not patient and he makes me feel like shit when were talking or doing things because he wants me to do stuff im not comfortable doing and dont know if i ever will be even though its been 3 months.
I think i could be burning out. I havent had a decent nights sleep in months. All i do is work, go to bed an hr or two after getting home, and all my free time is spent trying to fit time to see him and wanting to stay home so i can actually sleep in my bed peacefully with my cats. Its not like i dont like sleeping with him, i do, its that i dont sleep well with him, almost ever, especially cause at his place hes got such a skinny bed and im used to sleeping curled up on my side and with him i have to sleep straight.
Sigh i dont know what im gonna do and i dont really have anyone to talk to about this shit :/
