Closing off

Lately I have really not felt like talking to anyone or anything so I will not be posting anything besides poems for awhile. Sigh I've closed myself off before but there was always ONE person I could talk to. Not now. I don't know how long this will last for so ill try to keep up with my poems. Sayonara

"For Being"

For being obsessive
You're not very committed
Is it me
Or is it all you

For being flirtatious
You don't really talk to me
Sure I didn't try to call you
But its not like you made much of an effort either

For being talkative
You hardly talk to me
You talk to my friend about our 'relationship'
If you can even call it that

For being friendly
You sure have a lot of friends
Most of them being girls
Are you sure it was your girlfriend cheating on YOU

For being a good guy
You emotionally cheat on me
You don't do anything with or to me
Except piss me off

*dedicated to my bf at the time brandon wahlstrom. Hate him now*

"Do You Notice"

Do you notice
The way I look at you
How my eyes shine when they see you
And dull when you're not in view

Do you notice
The way I speak to you
How I don't make sense
The way I seem nervous

Do you notice
The way I stare at you
How my breath stops
And my heart races

Do you notice
The way I am around you
The way I sit towards you
The way I stand in your way

Do you notice
The way I love you
How you haunt my every thought
Every dream and every fantasy

*I wrote this a few years ago for a crush. A.B.*

"What Does It Mean"

What does life mean
Is it when a mother gives birth
Is it when nature is beautiful
Or is it when something is created

What does joy mean
Is it when you win something
Or find a lost item
Or see a loved one return to you

What does anger mean
Is it when you stub your toe
Have something important fail
Or when you are betrayed

What does sad mean
Is it when you lose something
When life means nothing to you anymore
After you have lost someone you love

What does love mean
Is it that feeling you get when you see your favorite person
Or when you care so much for somebody
You'd give your life for them

"You Said"

You said you'd be there for me
When I cried
When I smiled
Even when I didn't want you to be

You said you'd always be by my side
Even when were not together
Even when were mad at each other
Even when we'd rather be alone

You said you didn't care about my past
What I did and what happened to me
How it changed me inside
And how that affects you

You said you loved me
You loved me when I cried
You loved me when I snapped
You loved me the most when I was happy

You said a lot of things
Did you mean them
I wish you hadn't said all that
Because then I wouldn't have fallen in love with you
And my heart wouldn't be breaking

"Start Over"

We should start over
We rushed into things
We don't even know each other
I don't even trust you yet

We need to start over
We need to start as friends
Give it some time
And give it some thought

I say start ove
I'm not sure about this
Its going too fast
Am I just a rebound

Let's start over
I'm not sure you're over her
Why does it seem like
You still have feelings for her

Starting over now
You want serious
I need the exact opposite
This 'relationship' makes me uncomfortable

*this was dedicated to a bf named brandon. He was my half sisters half brother.*

I needed a day like this (april 6th)

Last night my dad called me. He bitched me out for an hour about how I betrayed him because my mom had me sign an affidavit. He's going after her for all the custody money she apparently never paid. I'm so fucking sick of all this custody shit. I thought it was over when I turned 18 but apparently not. I hate my parents. I hate them for using me to get back at each other. I hate them for ALWAYS putting me in the middle. I hate them for doing what they thought was best for me but it was really just to serve their own agenda. And I hate them for ever having me. I wish I hadn't been born. I told my dad that after he had stopped ranting and I hung up on him after I said that. He has called me almost every since then wanting to know about my dogs digestive health and when he should give me the money he owes me. I hate him so much. He bitches about my mom poisoning me against him when its his own damn fault for the way he treats me and the way he talks to me. He already lost one daughter because he couldn't grow the fuck up, take responsibility for his actions, and learn how to be a FATHER, and he just lost another. I have cried and cut too much because of him and ill be damned if he gets the chance to do it again. Needless to say I cried for two hours and cut. I stopped cutting a few years ago but when shit gets this bad, nothing else helps to calm me down. I got up early today. A friend was going to take me to st cloud so I could run a few errands. Needed to go to the bank, get fabric, stop by target and stop by the electric fetus. Was just going to be me, him and my bf. (My bf and I had made plans to hang out afterwards and he was going to stay the night) I walked to the skool where I was meeting my friend (he's still in hs but graduating in a month) and I was in a horrible mood. When he informed me that two of our other friends were coming with I was a little disappointed. But eventually I was glad they came with. They were able to make me laugh and smile and brighten up my mood when I didn't feel like being happy. Things were a little tense at first between my bf and me but after an hour and a kiss from me they got better. Especially when we went to the mall and I tried on clothes with the girl friend who was with. HM. She the kind of girl who is sexy but doesn't feel comfortable in her own body. I really wanna help her over come that but she's so stubborn haha. I convinced her to try on a few dresses and cute clothes and of course she didn't like it, but I'm persistent to the point of annoyance. I will not stop until she discovers her femininity haha. We all had a good day. My friends dropped me and my bf off at my gmas. We went to the basement so I could sew but I didn't do much of that ;) we spent most of the time cuddling and wrestling, making out and dry humping heehee >_< we would've made love but ehem, I was bleeding (if you know what I mean lol) so we just made do with our clothes on. And it was incredibly sexy and fun haha. Never have I had an orgasm with a guy (or girl for that matter) before but I did with him. It wasn't a small one though. But it still counted haha. I'm pretty sure that boosted his ego xD after that we took my gmas van back to my moms, cuddled and watched the movie Couples Retreat, and unfortunately had to sleep apart. Damn my mother for being jealous and having dumb rules >xP Such an emotional roller coaster today. Sigh. Sayonara dear readers.

Fashion show (april 5th)

Well today was an interesting day.

Had to get up early today and went to my gmas for an hour because we were going to go to a fashion show that my mom was going to be a guest in. The sewing class we're in is sponsored by a lot of companies. One of them is called WINGs and they support Minneapolis artists. Me and my gma were going to go but I guess only one of us could go so my gma said it should be me. We left a little late and got there a bit late. Good thing I've been standing so much at work because I had to walk 4 blocks twice and stand for 3 hrs in four inch heels... beauty is pain haha.

But it was definitely an experience going to a fashion show. Even though it wasn't like what you see on tv or anything. It was still cool. And not really my kind of thing. Although I'm definitely a city girl, to me fashion shows are a part of a different world that I don't belong in. Hell, I don't really belong in any world.

I've never really fit in any 'clique.' Everywhere I went I was bullied and teased by people who claimed to be my 'friends.' I'm not putting up with friends like that anymore. Not gonna put up with shitty 'friends' in general. I've reached my limit of how much of that I can take. If you're gonna treat me like shit, then don't expect to be hearing from me ever again. I had a really good girl friend once. Never had a best friend like that before and probably never will again. It was great how we were there for each other no matter what. Then she betrayed me in the worst ways. Stole my bf at the time. Stole my friends. Turned people against me. Revealed things I had told her in confidence. Even through all that I never did the same to her. Didn't really have a chance to either because the only friend I had was my mom and even she couldn't fully understand my position. That was a very difficult time for me...

Ah well, all in all the show was good and I was proud of my mum. Sayonara readers

My Apologies

Sometimes it's really hard for me to keep up with journal type things. And I have been stressed out lately. My apologies my readers for not keeping up with my posts. It's hard to have any motivation to get out of bed much less write my blog. but nonetheless I am back. For now.

Not much of note has happened since my last post. Still arguing with my bf just not as aggressively as we were before and I still hate him at the moment. We're kind of working through our problems. but he's not getting it. Sigh
Worked the Monday after easter at bk. The manager that day told me I did a really good job and would be learning more stuff within the next month so they can have me start working mornings because they need someone with my peppy attitude that early... I would have to be there at 8am. At that time in the morning. I am anything BUT peppy or happy or agreeable. I HATE mornings. I hate waking up to an alarm clock.
Getting a little further in the quilt I'm making for my aunt. I think itll look very nice when it's done.
Actually got some shit done in class last night. Most of the people in the class are very dim and that annoys me. The machines we use are very old. They break a lot. Most of our teachers have told us that when we are not using them, we have to turn them off. Most of the people will sew, then sit at the machine for an hour doing something else while the machine is running. They don't think of the other people in the room. It pisses me off because I'm not the type of person to be blunt and go up to someone and tell them something like that. Tonight I have class again. hopefully some of the people will be more considerate tonight. And the teacher! Ugh! She lectures the class for hours about the same stuff every night. One of them is about wasting time. She is wasting our time when she starts lecturing us because it's not the whole class that has a problem, it's individuals. Instead of wasting the time of people who know what they're doing, she should speak directly to those individuals. But I guess she sees us as little kids because that's what she's used to working with. Sigh. I just wanna go home and sew my own stuff when im in class because there aint much to do.

Later tonight when I get home I'll post a few of my poems. That is if I'm up to it. I'm usually pretty tired and unmotivated when I get home from class. I hate the long drive.

Sayonara for the moment my readers