I Dont Know What To Do

*caution profanity ahead*

I dont know what to do with my life right now. I feel so lost again. 

I started dating a guy in feb, A, and i pretty much fell for him. At the beginning i felt all those warm fuzzy feelings that ive never really felt before when being with someone but now, i dont really feel them anymore.... And i really want to.

 Maybe were spending too much time together and moving too fast with making plans to move to Fargo and get a place together. I feel like an idiot with him. Not like an idiot in love or whatever nonsense, like a very stupid fuck up with nothing but air in my head. I cant have conversations with him about the things he likes and cant do that with the very few things i like and i just feel like im not right for him. And our intrests are so different. I do love him and i want to stay with him and go to Fargo with him but im honestly having second thoughts. 

We've been arguing a lot lately. About lots of things. And i think my dad put it best when he said we're trying to change each other. Cause really, we are. And im getting sick of it. I quit smoking for him and he quit eating fast food but there are other things he eats and take that i dont agree with and we argue about it cause i want all organic stuff and im fucking horrible at arguing. I always think of good things and facts to say AFTER the argument is over. 

And we dont just fight about that. Another big thing is when he talks to me or asks me something and i dont answer and just look at him with a blank stare. He thinks its cause i dont want to say something but really, theres nothing going on in my fucking brain and i feel like a stupid shitty person. I dont know wtf is wrong with me but something is not right with me. I wish i knew what it was so i could fix it.   Nothing i ever do is ever right or good enough for anyone. I feel like he's just settling for me. Like he'd rather have someone else and i just came along at the right time.  And i feel like my shyness to open up emotionally and sexually is gonna drive him away cause hes not patient and he makes me feel like shit when were talking or doing things because he wants me to do stuff im not comfortable doing and dont know if i ever will be even though its been 3 months. 

I think i could be burning out. I havent had a decent nights sleep in months. All i do is work, go to bed an hr or two after getting home, and all my free time is spent trying to fit time to see him and wanting to stay home so i can actually sleep in my bed peacefully with my cats. Its not like i dont like sleeping with him, i do, its that i dont sleep well with him, almost ever, especially cause at his place hes got such a skinny bed and im used to sleeping curled up on my side and with him i have to sleep straight. 

Sigh i dont know what im gonna do and i dont really have anyone to talk to about this shit :/

Update

Job:  In February I quit my job at bk and started working in customer service in Publisher's Clearing House. Making bout 3$ more an hour and 3x as much a month and still barely making it paycheck to paycheck. And it wasn't much of an upgrade in the quality of the job. Get lots of bitchy customers and I have to sit for 8 hrs a day pretty much. I feel so damn lazy and weak. The guy I sit next to is pretty cool and very helpful sometimes. I'd suck so bad at my job if it weren't for him. There are some other cool people there but I don't really associate with anyone else. It was kinda cool when I started working I found out a girl I went to middle skool with worked there too. We were never really friends or anything but we've started talking and hanging out. I;m hoping not to be there for more than 6 months. Already been there 2 and I hate it so much.

Car:   I used my dads truck most of the winter because my little car crapped out on me. Just recently got it fixed. Had a new engine put in. Yeah it's gonna take awhile to pay that back cause my dad paid for most of it. Im happy to finally have it back though. And not just cause it's sooo much cheaper to drive than my dads truck. Still got a lot of work left to do on it but one thing at a time right now.

Falling in love again: I didn't think it would be possible for me to fall in love again. At least not for a much longer time than 6 months. Tried and failed many times and have finally succeeded. So glad I didn't do what most people do and shut myself off from everything. If I had I wouldn't have found a great guy ;) Met online first then in person on Valentines Day. Kinda sweet lol. I feel so much more happy with him than I have with any other guy. Except maybe mike but I know that after some time I'll be more happy and comfortable with him than I was even with mike.

We're looking to move in together in bout a month. Maybe we're moving too fast but that's our only option if we want to stay together and I don't feel like it's going too fast. I want to see him more than just on weekends and I want to move out of my moms place. Trouble now is finding somewhere to go thats not too far from work and all that shit.

I need a vacation

I seriously need a very long vacation somewhere very far away. I'm going crazy dealing with all this stress recently. So many things I've got on my mind. As always I'll start with the most recent.

On Jan 6th I had an abortion... My 'boytoy' M got me pregnant. We never used protection, not a good decision I know but I don't really like the feel of condoms, too rubbery. Don't know exactly how long I was pregnant but I was several weeks along. I was not emotionally, physically, or financially ready to give birth to a kid. I had to get the abortion even though I didn't really want to. And M was no help at all. The ONLY two things he did right was pay for the procedure and drive me. He didn't offer any support or comfort for me at all. After I came out of the apt he asked me if things 'went smoothly' and if I saw the fetus after they took it out. Who the fuck asks that?! That was completely insensitive in my opinion considering I had just been trough a very traumatic experience. It was horrible. I never wanna go through something like that again. If I ever get pregnant again and not able to keep it then I'm gonna have the kid and give it up for adoption. An open adoption. If the kid ever wants to find me later in life I don't want to hide from them. I just wish that I had had more support from the guy who knocked me up. He never asked me how I was feeling, never touched me, never acted like he cared about me. He just acted like the only thing he cared about was taking care of this 'problem' with money, just sweeping it under the rug. I don't think I'll be seeing him again after this. At least for anything except acquiring alcohol.
I did have friends for support though. My coworker J at work, but he wasn't much help either. Had my friend H, one of my only girl friends, and she really helped me more than any of the guys did. I wish I could've talked to my mom about it but I couldn't let her know, she'd be so disappointed and would judge me even though I'm her only daughter. And hell if my dad ever found out. He'd see me like my piece of shit half sister, and I don't want that either. But if this ever happens again I suppose I'll have to deal with that.

Right now I'm staying at my gmas house while she's gone away in Hawaii for a few months. I'll only be staying here till the end of the month but if I find a full time job I can stay here the whole time and pay for it. I really hope I can find a job and stay here the whole time. I can't stand living with my mother anymore. It's disgustig over there and so fucking cluttered. I just can't deal with it anymore. Except for the cold and creepiness of  old house in the country I like staying over here by myself with my cats and dog. I like having a place to myself. Gettin ome jobs lined up so I can start making some cash and stay here the rest of the three months shes gone. Sigh that would be so nice.

Had an interview at Aldi grocery store. I think it went well but I'm not used to interviews so I won't know for a week. They said they'd call in a week if they wanted me to come in for a second interview.  I hope they call. It seems like a really cool and fast paced place to work and a really good place to get experience.

Got a call from my moms work, after having sent in an application a little over two months ago. It's a phone place. Don't really wanna do it but I gave em a call anyway. Hopefully they call back and set up an interview. I really need to be making more money. Have to fix my car and my dads truck. My car has engine problems and its been hit so many times from being parked at BK that it now need body work. Same thing for my dads truck which he lent me while my car gets worked on. Really pissed about my cars getting hit and I'm not the only one its happened to.


Sigh I could really use a vacation. Or at the very least another metal concert.

Here I am Again

Holy crap its been so long since I've posted a blog. Wished I could have the past few months but I had no computer or internet and I hate typing long things on my crappy little phone. A lot, and I mean a lot, has happened. Phew I don't even know where to start. So like always I'll just start with the most recent stuff.

Work:
Been working at bk for about 8 months now. Holy shit time has flown. The crew that I work with at night has become like my second family. I love em so much haha. Definitely gonna keep a few friends from here. Maybe. Things have been iffy with me and one of the cooks, J, hes older, 43 years older than me, and we have gotten really close the past few months. We talk about everything. even sex stuff and I tease him quite a bit. Though I was teasing him when I was with my ex(long story) and now that we're not together he wants a whole relationship with and I don't. I just got out of semi serious relationship. I cant even feel! I'll admit I want to have sex with him cause he's experienced and no guy has ever made me orgasm and he talks about things that I want to try. Sigh. Fuck.

Money/Moving Out:


Boytoy:
So I have a bit of a boy toy haha. M. We drink, we watch tv shows and movies, we hang out, we talk, we have sex. Whoo boy I think I might be becoming a little bit of a nymphomaniac cause I just want to go over there and drink and fuck and I don't wanna stop. I really like being with him sometimes though. Not judgmental, except about my movie and music choices ha, and is always around when I need him. It's nice to have someone reliable around.

Exboyfriend:
So my bf that I was with, dumped me. He joined the marines and left without a word basically. When he left for his three month basic training we were perfectly fine and in love. Didnt indicate that he didn't wanna be with me in any of his letters and it was quite the contrary. Was always saying how much he missed me and wished he was back with me instead. Then he came back, and did nothing. Literally.

Was back for two days and had phone (ipod with texting) for a day and didnt even text me. I was scrolling through fb and I saw he posted his number on there saying he was back. And I stupidly texted him first. I should have waited for him to text me first. So I text him and it's like midnight and I see if he wanted to see each other and he said yeah that he was at our friend pestas house right in town. (I had texted pesta earlier that day asking if he had had any word from mike yet and he hever even replied) So I go over there and hang with them a little bit and it was kinda horrible. pesta never gave us a moment alone and mike didnt even seem like he wanted to kiss or hug or even touch me. hugged and kissed me a few times and then kept fucking poking me. And it was wasnt nicely either. Then after an hour or two I left cause they were falling asleep. So I got up to go and kinda took my time getting my shoes on and saying I was going and what not and he just sat there and didnt wanna walk me out or anything. Something he would have done before he left for his training.

It was like this for the whole week. Wouldn't text me, and when I texted him trying to make conversation he just wouldn't do it. Only tried to get together once and that didn't even work out apparently cause he didn't have a ride. And I took off that whole week cause I knew he'd be home. and if my fucking tire hadn't blown I'd have been over trying to see him but the roads to his house are fricken horrible and I was driving with a spare tire. So for the week I spent most of time over at my boytoys place. I found out from a friend that mike was spending most of his time over at other peoples houses partying and 'trying to get laid.' And not by me, his fucking gf.

Then came the little thing I planned as a homecoming party for him.

Over a month in advance I asked all of our friends if they would like to do somthing for him and what they would like to do. I gave them choices and we all agreed on the RenFest. So I made the plans that we would leave about 10am and go to The Pannekoeken Huis on our way down to eat and then go to the RenFest. I made sure that eeveryone would be able to afford it and would go. They all said yes. I dont care what anyone says that IS a commitment. And when Mike came back I asked him if he would like to do that and he said yes and that he could afford it. Timmy, Matt Victoria Arik, and Dan all showed up on time. But Derk Pesta and Mike kept us all waiting for an hour because they were fucking eating at subway when I told all them to be there at a certain time and that we had plans to eat on the way. Then they get there and I told everyone to get in the cars we NEED to leave. Dan and I drove. Derk, Pesta, mike, and Arik went with dan. Timmy, matt, and victoria came with me. They took a different way down than we did. So after awhile of driving we got to Pannekoeken and I didn't wait for them losers this time. We sit down and I have matt text them and ask them where they are, apparently they drove all the way to the RenFest, decided the line to get in was too long, turned around, and fucking went home. That pissed me off. They made us late for aboslutely nothing. They went back to pestas place and played video games the rest of the day and night. And the rest of us only had like 2-3 hours there cause they held us up. On the way home I had matt text em to ask if they wanted a bonfire at least when we got back. They said no. By that point I was seething and extremely suspicious. Arik told victoria that mike was acting and saying things like he was single. what I dont know. And mike apologized to victoria! Not the one who spent so much time planning a fun event for his time at home trying to do something special that they just fucking shit on for nothing! That killed my love for him. And when he left two days later with no reply to any of my messages, no explanation, no goodbye, no fucking nothing, i fucking hurt like hell, but that just killed it even more for me. I'll always have a small part that loves him, but it's not enough to fight anymore.

I was talking with my friend at work J and he told me more about the military and what mikes situation probably is than mike EVER mentioned to me. Apparently they like their slaves to have no connections and they break the weak. mike was weak and he let them brek him and throw me away. I wouldve done anything and gone anywhere for him but no, he wanted no more of it. Said we didn't get along, which was bullshit of course cause yeah, we've had our fights. Everybody fights and we're bith extremely stubborn. But when I tell other people the stories of shit he does/has done I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't me who was in the wrong. Especially with the RenFest shit. Everyone I told that story to agreed that that was extremely shitty of them and it's not an opinionated kind of story, its a factual one. If you understand what im talking about.

So after J informed me of everything and I thought about it for awhile I decided if he really wants to give up AGAIN then I'm not going to hang around waiting for a guy who treats me like shit like that. But of course he's not gonna get away without being bitched the fuck out like he deserves cause I did nothing to derserve this kind of disrespectful and inconsiderate treatment. From anybody. I don't understand what so hard about telling the truth nowadays. Like it's some kind of disease or something.

There ya have it. The story behind the break up with the love of my life. If I ever love again it's not gonna be for a very loooooonnnggg time.

　

Losing friends:
After that shit with the Renfest I tossed those 'friends.' Too often have they done shit like that and I was not gonna put up with it anymore. Pesta derk and dan have been kicked to the curb unfortunately. Gonna miss those fuckers but I ain't gonna put up with being treated like that and gettin shit on everytime I try to do something other than play stupid video games, cause thats all they really do.

Another friend I lost was D. Been friends for a few years and he was one of those friends that had a huge crush on me and made sure I knew it every chance he got. Was way too sensitive. I can only take so much shit before I snap and after telling him too many times to count that I only like him as a friend, did not want to date or anything like that, and would never feel that way I snapped big time. I told him if he couldn't get over me then we need to take a break from each other for awhile. Then he went and blocked me on fb. Didn't really need to go that far but fuck it. I'm sick of repeating myself and stressin over that shit so maybe it's for the better.

　

Kamelot:
Seeing Kamelot on Sept 13th was the best night of my life. I wish I could've seen them when Roy Khan was still with them but Tommy Karevik did a real good job of replacing him :D My dad and I went on a road trip to Kansas to see them cause thats the closest they were getting to MN on there North American tour. The car ride and the motels were horrible but it was worth it to see them live. And we had VIP passes!! So I got to meet them and take a picture with them! Oh man it was like a dream. When we got around to taking the picture I bee-lined it toward Tommy cause he is SO FINE! Ha and I am not kidding. Phew that man could do anything he wanted to me and I would be totally okay with it. And when I got right up to the stage I was filming the whole concert. We totally had a 'moment' :) I think theyll remember me cause of my multi-colored hair. They all told me they liked XD And when I saw the pics for their next concert, their guest female singer had a streak of yellow in her blue hair haha. Took a picture with one of the girls from Ekilpse and she told me she liked it too. The poster they signed, my ticket and wristband are taped to my door right now and I've worn the hoodie I bought there almost every single since then. I never wanted to take it off. And it was so lucky that I wore my Epica hoodie there cause the keyboardist for Epica was filling in for the Kamelot keyboardist and I had him sign my hoodie. Havent worn that yet cause I dont want it to fade at all before I iron it and make it permanent. Pretty much been non-stop listening to their music since I had a friend download all their albums for me as well heehee. Even have one from Conception, first band Roy Khan was with, and 4 of Seventh Wonders albums and that is Tommys other band. Would really love to see them in concert too cause theyre pretty good as well. Though not as good as Kamelot ha. Sigh I wish my dad had found them sooner. Or I had. Then I could've seen Roy. And his voice is number one in my book. Nothing compares to it. Ever read a book, and a a scene in it was described so vividly and perfectly that you felt like you could picture it clearly like you were right there? Well thats what his voice sounds like to me and Tommy can actually do but it's not as.... potent... as Roy. Still fricken amazing though :D hence the use of all the happy emoticons haha

Back With A Vengeance

So I feel like talking again. And I've got a lot that I need to rant about now. This might be a very long post so you might wanna get some popcorn and get comfortable or something.

I'll start with the most recent thing that is giving me stress: rent.

I live with my mom and we get reduced income. Or at least we used to. It was 280$ a month for a two bedroom apt. Now its 540$. My mom barely makes 700$ a month and its her income that we are mostly living off of. I want to pitch in, but I barely get 10 hrs a week and with this stupid class im taking, the days I can work are friday through monday. Between me and my mom, we are not making enough money at all to support ourselves. I hate this stupid rent system and the stupid apt we're living in. I wanna move out and get my own place already.

On to my next topic: sewing class

My class days are tuesday through thursday right now. I cant wait for this damn class to be over with already. they have wasted so much of our time and in our case, so much fucking gas and gas money. This class was a mistake. We learned more in three days in an industry rotation (similar to an internship) than we did in the whole 4 months of the class at dunwoody. This was the first course like this and they completely fucked it up. Everything was wrong about it, the teachers (except for a few) sucked mostly because they had never taught before and the last on that had taught, was the worst; the hours, 5pm to 9pm, they may have felt smart making the class in the evening but that meant everybody was driving in rush hour traffic, and most most of us wouldn't be getting home till 10pm when we have to get up very fucking early the next morning; the length, 2 to 3 days a week, pathetic, everything we 'learned' in the few days was forgotten by the time we came back the next week; the classmates, a few were okay, but there were the know it alls who hogged the machines, the whiners who wouldnt listen and would not stop complaining that they couldnt do what they were told, and the real students, who actually knew a little about sewing, maybe had a little experience, and really did want to learn, and then there was edward who was in a league of his own, that guy pissed everyone off with his condescending attitude towards everyone; the machines, pieces of shit! always breaking down and not working right and when they did, the people who already knew everything about sewing were always on them and working at them and just not letting anybody else get time on them! This class has pissed me off more than anything! Ugh enough about the class.

Third topic: staying with my gma carol during the week

Okay, I like being able to see my gma and whatnot but her driving, it scares the living shit outta me! Not kidding. She is a very dangerous driver. Thankfully I now have my license and she'll let me drive if I ask but when she drives, I plaster myself to  my seat trying just to avoid getting whiplash with her stop and go driving. It's slam on the gas, then slam the brakes and back and forth. Ohhh im so glad that next week I don't have to go through this again. Hopefully I'll have a car the next time I come down so I won't have to deal with that ever again.

Fourth topic: my sister/ family

Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm related to most of the people in my family. Especially the ones on my dads side. My sister is my half sister. We have different moms. And we are polar opposites. She was up in MN last week (lives in TX) staying with my gma because she was going through some court stuff with her mom over her son. egh. And here she is, staying with my gma, rent free and not paying for food, gas or anything like that, and just being a complete bitch to my gma. Yelling at her for stupid shit when she doesn't get her way, calling her a cunt and bitch to her face and behind her back, and just complaining like she doesn't do enough for her and yet here she is paying my sisters child support! My sister even wanted me to basically steal my gmas car and drive her to a party and to get liqour. I said no. Last time I drove her around (with gmas car when she wasnt here) she was getting crack and I was driving her all through mpls trying to find her dealer all night! When I say all night I mean from about 10pm till about 8am. I was not gonna fucking go through that again. Not to mention lie to my gma and basically steal from her. Quite a few times my sister made a comment that my gma liked me more than her. I didn't say anything but in my head I was thinking, 'yeah, because I'm not an irresponsible shit like you are.' I cannot believe how ungrateful and selfish she is. Pretty much exactly like her parents. Sigh.

Fifth topic: work at bk

Money. I need it bad. And I need to find a better fricken job now. The manager who hired me quit soon after I started working. From what I heard he didn't get along with the district manager. The manager who quit (we'll call him T) was the one who did the scheduling. He understood how to give people good hours. Burger King is in Clearwater and I live in Annandale. I was getting two hour shifts. That is not worth the gas money to drive back and forth between annadale and clearwater. So I told this to T. He understood that and gave me longer shifts. Then he quit. And the district manager (we'll call her N) started doing the scheduling. And she fucked everything up extremely bad. Last friday I wanted to go to my friends graduation ceremony. But the time I was scheduled to work was during it so I tried finding someone to cover my shift. Couldnt find anybody. Everybody was already fucking working.... And I'm not kidding about that. I skipped work. Seeing my friends walk (and seeing my bf for the first time in over a week) was way more important to me when they didnt even need me.   Okay, when I was hired I gave T a photocopy of a calender i have with my class days written on it. I couldnt work on class days. When T quit and N came around asking everybody about their hours I gave the same copy to her. And yet last week she scheduled me on a day I had class and when I called in thursday saying I couldnt work friday, I got bitched at for not being there that day. Not my fucking fault you guys fucking suck at management. Besides the scheduling and the shitty hours, working almost every day that I dont have class, I like working at bk. Except for one person who does nothing but piss me off, we shall call her A-hole. She used to be a manager, but got demoted, and yet she still acts like she's top fucking shit. All she does is stand around telling everyone what to do. Like last weekend, I was working front counter, and when you work front counter it is your job to make sure that lobby stays clean. So I was going around cleaning tables that people had left. A-hole comes up to me and tells me to mop the q area (where you walk in a line at the front counter) and I said sure. But I was not going to drop what I was doing and do what she wanted. I had a few more tables to do so I figured I'd do those first and then mop. I finished the tables and had started to mop when a few customers came in and I had to take their orders. That took awhile and A-hole took off with the mop I had left out. Then when they had left I heard her complaining to the manager(C) in the back about how I didn't do what she had asked. I was so fucking pissed off and ready to go bitch her out. And I wasn't the only one. I don't think anybody who works there likes her. We all just pity her and are nice to her face but bitch about her behind her back. Pathetic I know, but, if she tries telling me how to fucking clean again, I'm gonna bitch her out. I know how to fucking clean! I've worked with my dad who is pretty much mr fucking clean for 10 gawddamn years! I take it as an insult when anybody tries to tell me how to clean! Gaaaaggghhh!

Sixth topic: social/ love life

Sigh I wouldn't feel so stressed about everything if I could just hang out with my friends and see the love of my life more often. But to do that I need money, a car, and time. It's just a never ending circle. Waaahhhhh! At least me and my boyfriend have been getting closer lately. We had a huge fight about twoo weeks ago and we actually talked through it. Face to face. Not text. That felt good to be able to resolve our problem by actually talking to each other. I cried and he paced and it was great. It feels like every time we get through something like this, it brings us together. More and more I feel like this doesnt need to be an open relationship, but when he leaves in August for training for a few months and then when he actually ships out, I don't know if I'll feel the same way.

Oh I need some help.

Thanks for listening. Toodles

Closing off

Lately I have really not felt like talking to anyone or anything so I will not be posting anything besides poems for awhile. Sigh I've closed myself off before but there was always ONE person I could talk to. Not now. I don't know how long this will last for so ill try to keep up with my poems. Sayonara

"For Being"

For being obsessive
You're not very committed
Is it me
Or is it all you

For being flirtatious
You don't really talk to me
Sure I didn't try to call you
But its not like you made much of an effort either

For being talkative
You hardly talk to me
You talk to my friend about our 'relationship'
If you can even call it that

For being friendly
You sure have a lot of friends
Most of them being girls
Are you sure it was your girlfriend cheating on YOU

For being a good guy
You emotionally cheat on me
You don't do anything with or to me
Except piss me off

*dedicated to my bf at the time brandon wahlstrom. Hate him now*

"Do You Notice"

Do you notice
The way I look at you
How my eyes shine when they see you
And dull when you're not in view

Do you notice
The way I speak to you
How I don't make sense
The way I seem nervous

Do you notice
The way I stare at you
How my breath stops
And my heart races

Do you notice
The way I am around you
The way I sit towards you
The way I stand in your way

Do you notice
The way I love you
How you haunt my every thought
Every dream and every fantasy

*I wrote this a few years ago for a crush. A.B.*

"What Does It Mean"

What does life mean
Is it when a mother gives birth
Is it when nature is beautiful
Or is it when something is created

What does joy mean
Is it when you win something
Or find a lost item
Or see a loved one return to you

What does anger mean
Is it when you stub your toe
Have something important fail
Or when you are betrayed

What does sad mean
Is it when you lose something
When life means nothing to you anymore
After you have lost someone you love

What does love mean
Is it that feeling you get when you see your favorite person
Or when you care so much for somebody
You'd give your life for them

"You Said"

You said you'd be there for me
When I cried
When I smiled
Even when I didn't want you to be

You said you'd always be by my side
Even when were not together
Even when were mad at each other
Even when we'd rather be alone

You said you didn't care about my past
What I did and what happened to me
How it changed me inside
And how that affects you

You said you loved me
You loved me when I cried
You loved me when I snapped
You loved me the most when I was happy

You said a lot of things
Did you mean them
I wish you hadn't said all that
Because then I wouldn't have fallen in love with you
And my heart wouldn't be breaking

"Start Over"

We should start over
We rushed into things
We don't even know each other
I don't even trust you yet

We need to start over
We need to start as friends
Give it some time
And give it some thought

I say start ove
I'm not sure about this
Its going too fast
Am I just a rebound

Let's start over
I'm not sure you're over her
Why does it seem like
You still have feelings for her

Starting over now
You want serious
I need the exact opposite
This 'relationship' makes me uncomfortable

*this was dedicated to a bf named brandon. He was my half sisters half brother.*

I needed a day like this (april 6th)

Last night my dad called me. He bitched me out for an hour about how I betrayed him because my mom had me sign an affidavit. He's going after her for all the custody money she apparently never paid. I'm so fucking sick of all this custody shit. I thought it was over when I turned 18 but apparently not. I hate my parents. I hate them for using me to get back at each other. I hate them for ALWAYS putting me in the middle. I hate them for doing what they thought was best for me but it was really just to serve their own agenda. And I hate them for ever having me. I wish I hadn't been born. I told my dad that after he had stopped ranting and I hung up on him after I said that. He has called me almost every since then wanting to know about my dogs digestive health and when he should give me the money he owes me. I hate him so much. He bitches about my mom poisoning me against him when its his own damn fault for the way he treats me and the way he talks to me. He already lost one daughter because he couldn't grow the fuck up, take responsibility for his actions, and learn how to be a FATHER, and he just lost another. I have cried and cut too much because of him and ill be damned if he gets the chance to do it again. Needless to say I cried for two hours and cut. I stopped cutting a few years ago but when shit gets this bad, nothing else helps to calm me down. I got up early today. A friend was going to take me to st cloud so I could run a few errands. Needed to go to the bank, get fabric, stop by target and stop by the electric fetus. Was just going to be me, him and my bf. (My bf and I had made plans to hang out afterwards and he was going to stay the night) I walked to the skool where I was meeting my friend (he's still in hs but graduating in a month) and I was in a horrible mood. When he informed me that two of our other friends were coming with I was a little disappointed. But eventually I was glad they came with. They were able to make me laugh and smile and brighten up my mood when I didn't feel like being happy. Things were a little tense at first between my bf and me but after an hour and a kiss from me they got better. Especially when we went to the mall and I tried on clothes with the girl friend who was with. HM. She the kind of girl who is sexy but doesn't feel comfortable in her own body. I really wanna help her over come that but she's so stubborn haha. I convinced her to try on a few dresses and cute clothes and of course she didn't like it, but I'm persistent to the point of annoyance. I will not stop until she discovers her femininity haha. We all had a good day. My friends dropped me and my bf off at my gmas. We went to the basement so I could sew but I didn't do much of that ;) we spent most of the time cuddling and wrestling, making out and dry humping heehee >_< we would've made love but ehem, I was bleeding (if you know what I mean lol) so we just made do with our clothes on. And it was incredibly sexy and fun haha. Never have I had an orgasm with a guy (or girl for that matter) before but I did with him. It wasn't a small one though. But it still counted haha. I'm pretty sure that boosted his ego xD after that we took my gmas van back to my moms, cuddled and watched the movie Couples Retreat, and unfortunately had to sleep apart. Damn my mother for being jealous and having dumb rules >xP Such an emotional roller coaster today. Sigh. Sayonara dear readers.

Fashion show (april 5th)

Well today was an interesting day.

Had to get up early today and went to my gmas for an hour because we were going to go to a fashion show that my mom was going to be a guest in. The sewing class we're in is sponsored by a lot of companies. One of them is called WINGs and they support Minneapolis artists. Me and my gma were going to go but I guess only one of us could go so my gma said it should be me. We left a little late and got there a bit late. Good thing I've been standing so much at work because I had to walk 4 blocks twice and stand for 3 hrs in four inch heels... beauty is pain haha.

But it was definitely an experience going to a fashion show. Even though it wasn't like what you see on tv or anything. It was still cool. And not really my kind of thing. Although I'm definitely a city girl, to me fashion shows are a part of a different world that I don't belong in. Hell, I don't really belong in any world.

I've never really fit in any 'clique.' Everywhere I went I was bullied and teased by people who claimed to be my 'friends.' I'm not putting up with friends like that anymore. Not gonna put up with shitty 'friends' in general. I've reached my limit of how much of that I can take. If you're gonna treat me like shit, then don't expect to be hearing from me ever again. I had a really good girl friend once. Never had a best friend like that before and probably never will again. It was great how we were there for each other no matter what. Then she betrayed me in the worst ways. Stole my bf at the time. Stole my friends. Turned people against me. Revealed things I had told her in confidence. Even through all that I never did the same to her. Didn't really have a chance to either because the only friend I had was my mom and even she couldn't fully understand my position. That was a very difficult time for me...

Ah well, all in all the show was good and I was proud of my mum. Sayonara readers

My Apologies

Sometimes it's really hard for me to keep up with journal type things. And I have been stressed out lately. My apologies my readers for not keeping up with my posts. It's hard to have any motivation to get out of bed much less write my blog. but nonetheless I am back. For now.

Not much of note has happened since my last post. Still arguing with my bf just not as aggressively as we were before and I still hate him at the moment. We're kind of working through our problems. but he's not getting it. Sigh
Worked the Monday after easter at bk. The manager that day told me I did a really good job and would be learning more stuff within the next month so they can have me start working mornings because they need someone with my peppy attitude that early... I would have to be there at 8am. At that time in the morning. I am anything BUT peppy or happy or agreeable. I HATE mornings. I hate waking up to an alarm clock.
Getting a little further in the quilt I'm making for my aunt. I think itll look very nice when it's done.
Actually got some shit done in class last night. Most of the people in the class are very dim and that annoys me. The machines we use are very old. They break a lot. Most of our teachers have told us that when we are not using them, we have to turn them off. Most of the people will sew, then sit at the machine for an hour doing something else while the machine is running. They don't think of the other people in the room. It pisses me off because I'm not the type of person to be blunt and go up to someone and tell them something like that. Tonight I have class again. hopefully some of the people will be more considerate tonight. And the teacher! Ugh! She lectures the class for hours about the same stuff every night. One of them is about wasting time. She is wasting our time when she starts lecturing us because it's not the whole class that has a problem, it's individuals. Instead of wasting the time of people who know what they're doing, she should speak directly to those individuals. But I guess she sees us as little kids because that's what she's used to working with. Sigh. I just wanna go home and sew my own stuff when im in class because there aint much to do.

Later tonight when I get home I'll post a few of my poems. That is if I'm up to it. I'm usually pretty tired and unmotivated when I get home from class. I hate the long drive.

Sayonara for the moment my readers

Treated right for once (march 28th)

Today was a long day for me. I worked a 9 hour shift at BK. My original shift was 11-4 but a 'friend' asked me to cover for him because he wanted to hang out with his friends. I was left behind yet again. I'm not putting up with this shit anymore. But work was ok today. Except for the part where a spider crawled on me while I was washing dishes! I hate spiders. Very much so. Other than that it was a normal day at work for me. But not really for some other people. Guess the main manager and the district manager don't get along. The main manager would make the schedules but now its gonna be the district manager. I don't like her very much. She's polite, but cold. And she doesn't fit into the family that is the BK crew. Oh well.

After work I went on a date :) not with mike though. With an old friend I hadn't seen since last summer. Sam. He picked me up at work and we went to see the new Oz movie. Good movie, but not great. We spent a lot of our time talking. Which was nice. I'm not used to going on dates and I'm kinda wishing now that I was more cuddly at the movie. Oh how I wish these things were a little easier :P

I got home around 1am and one of my neighbors here at the apartment was having a little problem. They needed some laxatives. But didn't have enough money and didn't want to drive because they had taken a pill that makes them really drowsy. So I lent em a few dollars and drove them to the gas station to get it. Even bought it for em cause they were embarrassed about buying it haha. That kind of stuff doesn't really embarrass me.

My feet were killing me by the time I went to bed around 2. But all in all it was a good day.

Sayonara for now readers

Catching up

The last few days have been stressful and a bit hectic.

Went to my dads last Thursday to help him out at work. We did the carpet on Friday. We clean an office building so basically that means we were deep cleaning the carpet, like washing it. It is so frustrating to work with him. He acts like he thinks I'm a mind reader and he treats every little tiny mistake I make like the end of the fricken world. It is incredibly stressful work with him.

On Saturday I just sat around at his places watching movies and "Heroes." He lives in Waite Park and my mom was going to a concert at the St Cloud college at 7:30pm. My dad dropped me of there and I went home with her and my gma. When I saw my mom she told me she had seen my bf, MP, and DG (we're all friends.) DG goes to college there and lives in the dorms. I guess they were all hanging out without me and that hurt me. So I angrily texted my bf. Our argument was not a good one, ill post it so you can understand what I'm talking about. I admit that I didn't handle it well but I'm a very very emotional and sensitive person and things like that hurt me pretty deep. And my bf, berg, doesn't feel empathy or know how to think of the plural instead of the singular ('us' instead of 'me'.)

Here's the convo; 

M e: You want me to talk? Fine. You guys sure know how to fucking hurt me in the worst fucking ways.

Berg: n o one is fucking leaving you out, pesta wanted to hang out with me derek so we fuckin went to dereks dorm and played video games, no one is bailing on you, so pardon us for wanting to fucking hangout i havnt seen pesta since january 3rd so when asked to hang out i said yes and you told me you were too busy when i asked if you were free to hang i have no fuckin clue why this would hurt you, all we did was sit around and chill your takin this shit the c ompletly wrong way, no one is leaving you out no one is bailing on you we just decided to chill and play video games

Me: And this is why I don't fuckin talk to you. You never understand! When I said I was busy that was like 3 days ago so that excuse is bullshit. You didn't ask me because you didn't want me there. None of you did. THAT is leaving me out. Pesta bailed on roller skating so that hurt even more. I can only take so much of this shit before I'm done doing anything with anybody. All everybody does is hurt me. Especially you guys.

Berg: i asked if you were free for friday and you said you werent so i asked when you were free next and you said not for a long time, no one is fucking consp ering against you so stop so god damn paranoid about it, pesta didnt bail he told you he might not be able to go and it was either go roller blading or his neice you cant hold that against him, and if i'm constantly hurting you and always against you then just fuckin end it if we're so fuckin hurtful or you can pull your head out of you ass and realize the whole fuckin world doesnt revolve around you, our "circle" doesnt revolve around you, besides der ek said girls arnt allowed in the guy's dorms anyway

Me: Nobody told me anything. Like always. I always gotta find shit out at the last minute if ever. Seems like breaking up is always on your mind since you ALWAYS bring it up. Why don't you dump me if that's what you really want. And do not talk to me like that. I didn't say 'everything revolved around me'. I said its nice to thought of and invited once in awhile. If girls aren't allowed then why does his roommate always have girls over? And I'm pretty sure Beccas been over there. When are you gonna quit making up excuses and tell me the truth.

Berg: your the one who's constantly sayin how miserable you are with me, how im constantly hurting you so if i keep hurting you and you hate bein with me then you brake it off, your trying to make something out of nothing, i dont what the fuck your problem is with just the three of us hangin out is but now on e is plotting against you, im not making excuses you just want all this shit to be true when in fact its not, we cant even fuckin just chill togather wi thout pissing you off,  no one and i mean no one is tryin to leave you out so stop bein so god damned self centered we can hang out without you and that doesnt mean we dont want you around

Me: Fuck you. You just want me to make things easy for you. I'm not your fucking mother or your grandmother so do NOT fucking talk to me like that. You wanted me to talk so talk I did. Learn how to be sensitive and empathetic for once. I don't talk to you about this shit because you NEVER EVEN LISTEN! I'm not the one thinking about myself here. I'm just making a damn point. I hate all of you right now. You don't know how to care about anyone more than you care about yourself.

-If you cant handle what i have to say then dont force me to talk
- You still have nothing to say about yesterday

Berg: if i said anythin else they'd fall on deaf ears

Me: I'm not the one who's deaf. I listen. I feel. It is NOT self centered to want to hang out with friends whom I haven't seen or talked to in awhile, and then feel hurt when they don't invite me. And you do not talk to someone you claim to love the way you talked to me. That was beyond rude and disrespectful. And why the fuck do you say you're not gonna give up this time, and then every time we argue, suggest breaking up? What the fuck is your problem

Berg: you said you hate me, that all i do is hurt you so i dont know why would want to stay with me, and you are over reacting i asked you when the next we co uld hang out and you said monday cause you didnt have any free time until then so i went to hang with pesta and derek, and all we did was sit around and play video games, you wanna talk about disrespectful, how bout you throwing a god damn fit cause we hung out without you and all you can think of is yo urself and how you acuse us of tryin to exclude you when all we wanted was to spend time togather before i leave for boot camp

Me: What I said was 'i hate ALL of you RIGHT NOW.' Which means I hate you AND pesta AND derk. And RIGHT NOW means I won't eventually. Why? Really? Ask yourself why. Its not rocket science for fucks sake. I may be over reacting but your just gonna have to deal with that because I feel everything more deeply than you. I am also more emotional. You should be used to that by now. Just because someone says they're busy doesn't mean they can't become un-busy. I was at my dads Saturday. All fucking day. Doing nothing. A fucking fit is not disrespectful. Its childish. Learn the difference. Obviously you've never been in a situation like this. Every single time I make plans with someone ahead of time they fucking bail on me. And most of the time its at the last minute. Nobody ever fucking tells me anything either. My whole fucking life this has been happening. There have been too many times to count where someone has bailed on me and someway I find out it was to do something else. Or purposefully not invite me. I was always the outcast. The weirdo. The loner. I really only had two friends until 7th grade. And I was bullied. I have insecurities. It would wise for you to become more sensitive to things like that if ever wish to have any kind of relationship with anybody. Are you leaving next and never coming back or something? Because that's what you make it sound like.

Berg: deal with you flipping out whenever someone hangs out with friends without you, deal with you over reacting and accusing us of trying to purposely exclude you when all we were doing was just chillen? thats fucking bull shit, you need to grow the fuck up cause im not gonna apologize for hanging out with pesta and derek espeacially after i tried to make plans with you, and i would like to spend some time with them before i leave cause after boot camp i g et 10 days back then im gone for 4 years maybe more if they decide to prolong my active duty, so yes id like to spend time with my friends all my time c ant go just to you, when i say i want to spend more time with you im telling the truth but i'd also like to spend time with the only people who have had my back for the past 7 years, i owe them more then that, and none of us think of you as an outcast or weird... well i can only speak for myself i guess , but ive never heard pesta or derek say you were or hint that you were... and i didnt cancel the plans for monday i could've even stayed the night and shit, and pesta said straight up he might not be able to go, and instead of flipping out at everyone maybe you shouldve schedualed another day to do wha tever, or say you want to do somethin whenever we get the chance and this shit would happen, and you might think im being insensitve, im standing my gro und and im not gonna kiss your ass every time you get upset cause of something like people hanging out without you when they werent trying to exclude yo u, i will not let anyone walk all over me again and you should know that by now and deal with it

Me: You better learn to deal with it if you want this relationship to last. If you really cared about me the way you say you do then we wouldn't be in this position because when someone cares about someone else, and they feel hurt, the other person does not treat them like shit. They listen and they compromise. They think about 'us'. Not 'i'. I don't need to do anything. If anybody NEEDS to do something its YOU. You need to learn how to speak to me with some fuckin decency. I told you before I am NOT your mother or your grandmother. Do NOT speak to me like that. You need to learn what the word 'empathy' means as well. And maybe try to feel it for once. You are only seeing things from your side and you are NOT always right. And I'm not saying that I'm always right either but at least I know how to understand where other people are coming from and compromise. Something you are refusing to do. When I invited pesta two weeks ago he told me he COULD go. Three days before I ask him if he can drive and he tells me he can NOT go because his brother needed his car by 3pm. You three seem to only tell each other these kind of details. Do you know how fucking annoying it is when people do that to you? And fucking constantly? I doubt it. That was the LAST possible day for skating at the dome. EVER. I told everybody I invited that. And I know I did because I thought it would be incentive for people to go. Apparently not. Oh yes, I do that. And guess what. It never fuckin works out! I'm done making plans with people who completely unreliable. I am beyond sick of it! Maybe if you had that happen to you as many times as it has happened to me, you would actually understand why I am 'flipping out!'  Ahah oh really? Trying to tell me girls aren't allowed at the dorms? Didja think that excuse would actually work? I'm not fucking stupid, or saying you should 'kiss ass', and I am most definitely not 'walking all over you'. Yes you are being insensitive. You're the only one who doesn't think so. I admit this 'argument' could've gone differently if both of us could change a few things. I'm giving ground. And you, being so fucking stubborn, are not. Relationships are about compromise. You cannot think only of yourself the way you are and I know I can't either. I know how to care about someone more than myself and put them before myself. Especially with the little things. I have learned. And you had better learn that quick if you want this relationship to even remotely work.

(Our argument is not done at all. This is just what's been said so far)

In the argument I talk about plans I made with all of them. At the metrodome in mpls they annually have roller skating there. Its called roller dome. Just skatin through the halls. Me and my dad have been going there for about a decade and we haven't gone the last 2 or 3 years. The metrodome is being torn down so the new Vikings stadium can be put in there so this past Monday was our LAST chance to go. They have a few more dates but we couldn't go those days. And thinking it'd be fun to get some 'friends' to come along I invited a few people. Nobody came. If me and berg hadn't started fighting on the weekend he would've been the only one to go. I still had a good time with my dad though.

So on to yesterday. Tuesday. I got up early because a friend of mine was going to work on my gmas vans speedometer. We were supposed to meet at 11am. He didn't show up until 1:30. Didn't even get any time to look at the van cause he was driving around with people doing little errands. I had to leave for my college class with my mom at 3:30. Barely made it to my gmas by then.

So right now I'm at my friends house with the van having him work on it. Been here an hour so far. Hopefully ill get back to my gmas by 1:30 so I can take a shower and sew a little before I go to class again tonight.

Sigh well I think ill leave off right there for now. If more words are said between me and my bf I shall make another post. Sayonara for now reader.

'Invisible'

Do I seem invisible
Do my words bother you
Or just not reach you
Please tell me

Am I invisible
When I walk beside you
When I hole your hand
Or try to touch you

Why have you made me invisible
I'm your only daughter
So why do you make me a ghost
Are you haunted by one

Can I be invisible
Can I disappear
Would you notice
Or even care

To be invisible
Is to be sad
To be sad
Is to make your soul disappear

*wrote this for my gma and her dad*

'Are You There'

Are you there
When I need you
To hold my hand
To help me by

Are you there
When I ask you to care
To be there for me
To tell me its going to be okay

Are you there
When I ask you why
Did something happen to you
What made you so shy

Are you there
To see me off
Did you notice the empty space
That I once occupied

Are you there to notice
That I'm doing what you are
I'm leaving a rift
I'm not even speaking

*Wrote this for my gma and her dad*

Lord of The Rings

Anybody who knows me, knows how much I love the Lord of The Rings trilogy. I own all the extended versions and I know every line to every movie. Imagine how many times I've had to watch to know that haha. I haven't watched all the special features (except for the first films) and I haven't watched them with all the commentaries yet. But I will get around to it! Eventually. I also own the all-in-one edition of the books but I haven't quite gotten around to reading that yet. I don't really know why. Probably because I hate when the story ends. Every time I watch The Return of The King I always cry through the last hour or so... yes I get that emotional over them. The first set I had I unfortunately lent them to my ex (who was my bf at the time) and he never gave them back. Not even a fuckin year later. He would always say he was going to mail them to me but of course he never did. And a week ago my dad bought the blu-ray versions of the film so he gave his dvd set because he knows how much I love the movies. I just finished watching them for the first time in over a year. They are still amazing. The world Tolkein imagined is so incredibly beautiful. Even being a city girl I would give up everything just to live there. I remember watching the movies a few years ago and wishing to have been a part of it... if only id known they were making The Hobbit!! Oi. Sigh I can still dream though. Ill just have to make do with being a huge fan and seeing The Hobbit movies as many times in theater as possible :) and ill wait for those to come out as extended versions to watch those a million times too. Everything about the movies, the looks, the features, the story, the actors, is absolutely perfect.

Oh I could go on and on about how much I love them but I suppose I should get some sleep. Good night all! And may you find your own hope and courage :)

Curiosity of a fuckin cat (march 17th)

I swear I must have been a cat in a past life or something. I have the unlucky curiosity of one. Hung out with my bf again today. Didn't exactly start out well with the ride over to my gmas from his house about 1 in the afternoon. I was trying to goofishly hold his hand and all he did was hurt my hands. He was in some sort of bad mood to begin with it seemed. We got to my gmas and I took a shower and while I was he fell asleep. So I let him sleep for an hour downstairs before he came upstairs where I was watching Supernatural on netflix. I gave him the cold shoulder for about another hour or so. Then when we were watching tv my dad called me. So I went downstairs to talk to him where it was quiet. Mike had left his phone out again... my curiosity got the better of me and I looked at his phone... he told me had stopped talking to the girls I had a problem with. Looking through his messages it seems he stopped talking to one (SM) and another (SD) he had not only NOT stopped talking to her, he was making plans to hang out with her...   I must have huge blinking signs that shout 'LIE TO ME' or something cause I can't think of any other reason why he would continue to lie to me. Fuck if he leaves his phone out again and has messages like that on there I'm gonna bring it up. He can't keep doing this to me. I'm so fucking sick of it. Why do I let him do these things to me? Is it because I love him that much? Sigh

The rest of the night went ok I guess. We made love and I cooked for us then took him home late after my gma got home. I also gave him a bloody nose and bloody lip, on accident of course. Sigh