Catching up

The last few days have been stressful and a bit hectic.

Went to my dads last Thursday to help him out at work. We did the carpet on Friday. We clean an office building so basically that means we were deep cleaning the carpet, like washing it. It is so frustrating to work with him. He acts like he thinks I'm a mind reader and he treats every little tiny mistake I make like the end of the fricken world. It is incredibly stressful work with him.

On Saturday I just sat around at his places watching movies and "Heroes." He lives in Waite Park and my mom was going to a concert at the St Cloud college at 7:30pm. My dad dropped me of there and I went home with her and my gma. When I saw my mom she told me she had seen my bf, MP, and DG (we're all friends.) DG goes to college there and lives in the dorms. I guess they were all hanging out without me and that hurt me. So I angrily texted my bf. Our argument was not a good one, ill post it so you can understand what I'm talking about. I admit that I didn't handle it well but I'm a very very emotional and sensitive person and things like that hurt me pretty deep. And my bf, berg, doesn't feel empathy or know how to think of the plural instead of the singular ('us' instead of 'me'.)

Here's the convo; 

M e: You want me to talk? Fine. You guys sure know how to fucking hurt me in the worst fucking ways.

Berg: n o one is fucking leaving you out, pesta wanted to hang out with me derek so we fuckin went to dereks dorm and played video games, no one is bailing on you, so pardon us for wanting to fucking hangout i havnt seen pesta since january 3rd so when asked to hang out i said yes and you told me you were too busy when i asked if you were free to hang i have no fuckin clue why this would hurt you, all we did was sit around and chill your takin this shit the c ompletly wrong way, no one is leaving you out no one is bailing on you we just decided to chill and play video games

Me: And this is why I don't fuckin talk to you. You never understand! When I said I was busy that was like 3 days ago so that excuse is bullshit. You didn't ask me because you didn't want me there. None of you did. THAT is leaving me out. Pesta bailed on roller skating so that hurt even more. I can only take so much of this shit before I'm done doing anything with anybody. All everybody does is hurt me. Especially you guys.

Berg: i asked if you were free for friday and you said you werent so i asked when you were free next and you said not for a long time, no one is fucking consp ering against you so stop so god damn paranoid about it, pesta didnt bail he told you he might not be able to go and it was either go roller blading or his neice you cant hold that against him, and if i'm constantly hurting you and always against you then just fuckin end it if we're so fuckin hurtful or you can pull your head out of you ass and realize the whole fuckin world doesnt revolve around you, our "circle" doesnt revolve around you, besides der ek said girls arnt allowed in the guy's dorms anyway

Me: Nobody told me anything. Like always. I always gotta find shit out at the last minute if ever. Seems like breaking up is always on your mind since you ALWAYS bring it up. Why don't you dump me if that's what you really want. And do not talk to me like that. I didn't say 'everything revolved around me'. I said its nice to thought of and invited once in awhile. If girls aren't allowed then why does his roommate always have girls over? And I'm pretty sure Beccas been over there. When are you gonna quit making up excuses and tell me the truth.

Berg: your the one who's constantly sayin how miserable you are with me, how im constantly hurting you so if i keep hurting you and you hate bein with me then you brake it off, your trying to make something out of nothing, i dont what the fuck your problem is with just the three of us hangin out is but now on e is plotting against you, im not making excuses you just want all this shit to be true when in fact its not, we cant even fuckin just chill togather wi thout pissing you off,  no one and i mean no one is tryin to leave you out so stop bein so god damned self centered we can hang out without you and that doesnt mean we dont want you around

Me: Fuck you. You just want me to make things easy for you. I'm not your fucking mother or your grandmother so do NOT fucking talk to me like that. You wanted me to talk so talk I did. Learn how to be sensitive and empathetic for once. I don't talk to you about this shit because you NEVER EVEN LISTEN! I'm not the one thinking about myself here. I'm just making a damn point. I hate all of you right now. You don't know how to care about anyone more than you care about yourself.

-If you cant handle what i have to say then dont force me to talk
- You still have nothing to say about yesterday

Berg: if i said anythin else they'd fall on deaf ears

Me: I'm not the one who's deaf. I listen. I feel. It is NOT self centered to want to hang out with friends whom I haven't seen or talked to in awhile, and then feel hurt when they don't invite me. And you do not talk to someone you claim to love the way you talked to me. That was beyond rude and disrespectful. And why the fuck do you say you're not gonna give up this time, and then every time we argue, suggest breaking up? What the fuck is your problem

Berg: you said you hate me, that all i do is hurt you so i dont know why would want to stay with me, and you are over reacting i asked you when the next we co uld hang out and you said monday cause you didnt have any free time until then so i went to hang with pesta and derek, and all we did was sit around and play video games, you wanna talk about disrespectful, how bout you throwing a god damn fit cause we hung out without you and all you can think of is yo urself and how you acuse us of tryin to exclude you when all we wanted was to spend time togather before i leave for boot camp

Me: What I said was 'i hate ALL of you RIGHT NOW.' Which means I hate you AND pesta AND derk. And RIGHT NOW means I won't eventually. Why? Really? Ask yourself why. Its not rocket science for fucks sake. I may be over reacting but your just gonna have to deal with that because I feel everything more deeply than you. I am also more emotional. You should be used to that by now. Just because someone says they're busy doesn't mean they can't become un-busy. I was at my dads Saturday. All fucking day. Doing nothing. A fucking fit is not disrespectful. Its childish. Learn the difference. Obviously you've never been in a situation like this. Every single time I make plans with someone ahead of time they fucking bail on me. And most of the time its at the last minute. Nobody ever fucking tells me anything either. My whole fucking life this has been happening. There have been too many times to count where someone has bailed on me and someway I find out it was to do something else. Or purposefully not invite me. I was always the outcast. The weirdo. The loner. I really only had two friends until 7th grade. And I was bullied. I have insecurities. It would wise for you to become more sensitive to things like that if ever wish to have any kind of relationship with anybody. Are you leaving next and never coming back or something? Because that's what you make it sound like.

Berg: deal with you flipping out whenever someone hangs out with friends without you, deal with you over reacting and accusing us of trying to purposely exclude you when all we were doing was just chillen? thats fucking bull shit, you need to grow the fuck up cause im not gonna apologize for hanging out with pesta and derek espeacially after i tried to make plans with you, and i would like to spend some time with them before i leave cause after boot camp i g et 10 days back then im gone for 4 years maybe more if they decide to prolong my active duty, so yes id like to spend time with my friends all my time c ant go just to you, when i say i want to spend more time with you im telling the truth but i'd also like to spend time with the only people who have had my back for the past 7 years, i owe them more then that, and none of us think of you as an outcast or weird... well i can only speak for myself i guess , but ive never heard pesta or derek say you were or hint that you were... and i didnt cancel the plans for monday i could've even stayed the night and shit, and pesta said straight up he might not be able to go, and instead of flipping out at everyone maybe you shouldve schedualed another day to do wha tever, or say you want to do somethin whenever we get the chance and this shit would happen, and you might think im being insensitve, im standing my gro und and im not gonna kiss your ass every time you get upset cause of something like people hanging out without you when they werent trying to exclude yo u, i will not let anyone walk all over me again and you should know that by now and deal with it

Me: You better learn to deal with it if you want this relationship to last. If you really cared about me the way you say you do then we wouldn't be in this position because when someone cares about someone else, and they feel hurt, the other person does not treat them like shit. They listen and they compromise. They think about 'us'. Not 'i'. I don't need to do anything. If anybody NEEDS to do something its YOU. You need to learn how to speak to me with some fuckin decency. I told you before I am NOT your mother or your grandmother. Do NOT speak to me like that. You need to learn what the word 'empathy' means as well. And maybe try to feel it for once. You are only seeing things from your side and you are NOT always right. And I'm not saying that I'm always right either but at least I know how to understand where other people are coming from and compromise. Something you are refusing to do. When I invited pesta two weeks ago he told me he COULD go. Three days before I ask him if he can drive and he tells me he can NOT go because his brother needed his car by 3pm. You three seem to only tell each other these kind of details. Do you know how fucking annoying it is when people do that to you? And fucking constantly? I doubt it. That was the LAST possible day for skating at the dome. EVER. I told everybody I invited that. And I know I did because I thought it would be incentive for people to go. Apparently not. Oh yes, I do that. And guess what. It never fuckin works out! I'm done making plans with people who completely unreliable. I am beyond sick of it! Maybe if you had that happen to you as many times as it has happened to me, you would actually understand why I am 'flipping out!'  Ahah oh really? Trying to tell me girls aren't allowed at the dorms? Didja think that excuse would actually work? I'm not fucking stupid, or saying you should 'kiss ass', and I am most definitely not 'walking all over you'. Yes you are being insensitive. You're the only one who doesn't think so. I admit this 'argument' could've gone differently if both of us could change a few things. I'm giving ground. And you, being so fucking stubborn, are not. Relationships are about compromise. You cannot think only of yourself the way you are and I know I can't either. I know how to care about someone more than myself and put them before myself. Especially with the little things. I have learned. And you had better learn that quick if you want this relationship to even remotely work.

(Our argument is not done at all. This is just what's been said so far)

In the argument I talk about plans I made with all of them. At the metrodome in mpls they annually have roller skating there. Its called roller dome. Just skatin through the halls. Me and my dad have been going there for about a decade and we haven't gone the last 2 or 3 years. The metrodome is being torn down so the new Vikings stadium can be put in there so this past Monday was our LAST chance to go. They have a few more dates but we couldn't go those days. And thinking it'd be fun to get some 'friends' to come along I invited a few people. Nobody came. If me and berg hadn't started fighting on the weekend he would've been the only one to go. I still had a good time with my dad though.

So on to yesterday. Tuesday. I got up early because a friend of mine was going to work on my gmas vans speedometer. We were supposed to meet at 11am. He didn't show up until 1:30. Didn't even get any time to look at the van cause he was driving around with people doing little errands. I had to leave for my college class with my mom at 3:30. Barely made it to my gmas by then.

So right now I'm at my friends house with the van having him work on it. Been here an hour so far. Hopefully ill get back to my gmas by 1:30 so I can take a shower and sew a little before I go to class again tonight.

Sigh well I think ill leave off right there for now. If more words are said between me and my bf I shall make another post. Sayonara for now reader.