Well, my fist ever blog. this should be fun. I've never written a blog before but i think I'll like it. I need an outlet where i can get some feedback. That is if anyone one is interested enough to read it haha. I can say it will definitely be intersting at times. I've always got some drama going on or some random ideas/thoughts. I'm using a keyboard that is missing the little tile thing for the letter 's' and it is really annoying. I will do my best without it though. Sooo I think ill start writing about my day. Whoo.
I woke up at noon today, like usual. I'm a night owl so I'm usually up till 4am and sleep in till 2pm. this past week though its been harder and harder for me to open eyes much less get up for the day. I just feel like sleeping forever. I want to sleep and dream of nothing or of something peaceful. Not the crazy shit that has me waking up with a mild anxiety attack. But I suppose thats just to be expected seeing as how i have been fighting with my bf for about a week now. Fuck it seems like it's been so much longer. (Caution: I like to swear. A lot.) Time goes fast when you're having fun but when you're having a horrible time it just seems to slow down. So I should probably tell you why me and my bf are fighting eh? Well me and him have a complicated relationship. Its an open relationship. We have a lot of history between us. Known each other for bout three years now I think, always been extremely close, but never in an actual relationship even though we acted like it all the time. Even when we were both in other romantic relationships. We bought promise rings for each other. (Don't ask me what the promise is. That's between me and him) He has, shall we say 'undesireable,' friends. Mostly girls. Three of them I have serious problems with. FYI been friends with all these girls a one point.
One, (for privacy I'll just use initials) MD, has broken up me and two bfs, kept one bf from getting back together with me by telling him she was pregnant because they were fuck buddies, and gossiped about me quite a bit. Two, SD, hasn't actually done much but has instigated shit between me and #3, she also was a shitty friend to me. Three, SM, accused me of cheating with her bf and ading more fuel to a rumor fire about me.
He didnt cheat. Just talked about it. He was a virgin and I was not so he was always talking to me and asking advice about sexual stuff. We texted about it. Forgot my phone in the truck of the boyfriend of SD. Few days later SM is bitchin me out. Conncet the dots.
Apparently two of these girls (SM and MD) would say shit about me to my bf MB when they saw the ring I got him. And they did this quite often because he would tell me about it. If he was defending me at all it sure as hell wasn't much if they kept doing it. If I was him, I would've made those bitches pack their shit and get the hell out of my life. I've had to do that before. It's not easy. I voiced my concerns about his friendship with them and told him he could either have them, or me. luckily he chose me but that doesn't make me happy. I shouldn't have had to bring that up to him. He should have thought that hm, maybe having these childish friends who have hurt my gf and always bad mouth her, aren't very good friends, and maybe, that in itself might hurt my gf. Loyalty. Pick a side. I don't care that they haven't done anything to hurt you personally. YOU are in my life, they are in YOUR life, I don't want them in MY life. Whats in your life is inadverntaly in mine. Don't argue about it.
So our fight was really bad. And we just finally started talking a little normal today. But then my friend told me about SMs blog and she posted something about my bf. Something that has hindered my trust in him quite a bit. I'm emotionally exhausted and trying to prepare myself for the fight this information will provoke between us. It will hurt. A lot. Our last fight had me hyperventalating and i havent done that in a very long time. I hurt so fucking bad. But I don't want us to break up. I want to be with the rest of my life. He is the only one I will ever love.
Sigh so back to my day, kind of. I hung out with my stoner friend GB today. He really has a different way of tinking similiar to my own and we usually end up talking about philosophy. Which is amazing. We didn't hang for very long though. He came over for bout an hour and we watched part of "Castle In The Sky." I love Hayao Miyazaki and his movies. They're amazing. Then I layed in bed for awhile. Took my moms car to my gmas, and started working on a new quilt. I like quilting. dont really know why but i find it not exactly relaxing or peaceful but, something like that. I really cant think of a word to describe it right now. I finished one for my mom a week ago. Took me about two years to make it haha. Had a lot going on but now that I don't have as much shit in my life i can do things I've ben putting off Like this blog for example :)
Well it's 12:30am and I should be getting back home. Not to sleep. I won't sleep for a few more hours. But I need to get the car back for my mom. Fuck I need a cig. One more thing to spend money one hooray. Oi.
Ima no dokusha ni sayonara
No comments:
Post a Comment