Treated right for once (march 28th)

Today was a long day for me. I worked a 9 hour shift at BK. My original shift was 11-4 but a 'friend' asked me to cover for him because he wanted to hang out with his friends. I was left behind yet again. I'm not putting up with this shit anymore. But work was ok today. Except for the part where a spider crawled on me while I was washing dishes! I hate spiders. Very much so. Other than that it was a normal day at work for me. But not really for some other people. Guess the main manager and the district manager don't get along. The main manager would make the schedules but now its gonna be the district manager. I don't like her very much. She's polite, but cold. And she doesn't fit into the family that is the BK crew. Oh well.

After work I went on a date :) not with mike though. With an old friend I hadn't seen since last summer. Sam. He picked me up at work and we went to see the new Oz movie. Good movie, but not great. We spent a lot of our time talking. Which was nice. I'm not used to going on dates and I'm kinda wishing now that I was more cuddly at the movie. Oh how I wish these things were a little easier :P

I got home around 1am and one of my neighbors here at the apartment was having a little problem. They needed some laxatives. But didn't have enough money and didn't want to drive because they had taken a pill that makes them really drowsy. So I lent em a few dollars and drove them to the gas station to get it. Even bought it for em cause they were embarrassed about buying it haha. That kind of stuff doesn't really embarrass me.

My feet were killing me by the time I went to bed around 2. But all in all it was a good day.

Sayonara for now readers

Catching up

The last few days have been stressful and a bit hectic.

Went to my dads last Thursday to help him out at work. We did the carpet on Friday. We clean an office building so basically that means we were deep cleaning the carpet, like washing it. It is so frustrating to work with him. He acts like he thinks I'm a mind reader and he treats every little tiny mistake I make like the end of the fricken world. It is incredibly stressful work with him.

On Saturday I just sat around at his places watching movies and "Heroes." He lives in Waite Park and my mom was going to a concert at the St Cloud college at 7:30pm. My dad dropped me of there and I went home with her and my gma. When I saw my mom she told me she had seen my bf, MP, and DG (we're all friends.) DG goes to college there and lives in the dorms. I guess they were all hanging out without me and that hurt me. So I angrily texted my bf. Our argument was not a good one, ill post it so you can understand what I'm talking about. I admit that I didn't handle it well but I'm a very very emotional and sensitive person and things like that hurt me pretty deep. And my bf, berg, doesn't feel empathy or know how to think of the plural instead of the singular ('us' instead of 'me'.)

Here's the convo; 

M e: You want me to talk? Fine. You guys sure know how to fucking hurt me in the worst fucking ways.

Berg: n o one is fucking leaving you out, pesta wanted to hang out with me derek so we fuckin went to dereks dorm and played video games, no one is bailing on you, so pardon us for wanting to fucking hangout i havnt seen pesta since january 3rd so when asked to hang out i said yes and you told me you were too busy when i asked if you were free to hang i have no fuckin clue why this would hurt you, all we did was sit around and chill your takin this shit the c ompletly wrong way, no one is leaving you out no one is bailing on you we just decided to chill and play video games

Me: And this is why I don't fuckin talk to you. You never understand! When I said I was busy that was like 3 days ago so that excuse is bullshit. You didn't ask me because you didn't want me there. None of you did. THAT is leaving me out. Pesta bailed on roller skating so that hurt even more. I can only take so much of this shit before I'm done doing anything with anybody. All everybody does is hurt me. Especially you guys.

Berg: i asked if you were free for friday and you said you werent so i asked when you were free next and you said not for a long time, no one is fucking consp ering against you so stop so god damn paranoid about it, pesta didnt bail he told you he might not be able to go and it was either go roller blading or his neice you cant hold that against him, and if i'm constantly hurting you and always against you then just fuckin end it if we're so fuckin hurtful or you can pull your head out of you ass and realize the whole fuckin world doesnt revolve around you, our "circle" doesnt revolve around you, besides der ek said girls arnt allowed in the guy's dorms anyway

Me: Nobody told me anything. Like always. I always gotta find shit out at the last minute if ever. Seems like breaking up is always on your mind since you ALWAYS bring it up. Why don't you dump me if that's what you really want. And do not talk to me like that. I didn't say 'everything revolved around me'. I said its nice to thought of and invited once in awhile. If girls aren't allowed then why does his roommate always have girls over? And I'm pretty sure Beccas been over there. When are you gonna quit making up excuses and tell me the truth.

Berg: your the one who's constantly sayin how miserable you are with me, how im constantly hurting you so if i keep hurting you and you hate bein with me then you brake it off, your trying to make something out of nothing, i dont what the fuck your problem is with just the three of us hangin out is but now on e is plotting against you, im not making excuses you just want all this shit to be true when in fact its not, we cant even fuckin just chill togather wi thout pissing you off,  no one and i mean no one is tryin to leave you out so stop bein so god damned self centered we can hang out without you and that doesnt mean we dont want you around

Me: Fuck you. You just want me to make things easy for you. I'm not your fucking mother or your grandmother so do NOT fucking talk to me like that. You wanted me to talk so talk I did. Learn how to be sensitive and empathetic for once. I don't talk to you about this shit because you NEVER EVEN LISTEN! I'm not the one thinking about myself here. I'm just making a damn point. I hate all of you right now. You don't know how to care about anyone more than you care about yourself.

-If you cant handle what i have to say then dont force me to talk
- You still have nothing to say about yesterday

Berg: if i said anythin else they'd fall on deaf ears

Me: I'm not the one who's deaf. I listen. I feel. It is NOT self centered to want to hang out with friends whom I haven't seen or talked to in awhile, and then feel hurt when they don't invite me. And you do not talk to someone you claim to love the way you talked to me. That was beyond rude and disrespectful. And why the fuck do you say you're not gonna give up this time, and then every time we argue, suggest breaking up? What the fuck is your problem

Berg: you said you hate me, that all i do is hurt you so i dont know why would want to stay with me, and you are over reacting i asked you when the next we co uld hang out and you said monday cause you didnt have any free time until then so i went to hang with pesta and derek, and all we did was sit around and play video games, you wanna talk about disrespectful, how bout you throwing a god damn fit cause we hung out without you and all you can think of is yo urself and how you acuse us of tryin to exclude you when all we wanted was to spend time togather before i leave for boot camp

Me: What I said was 'i hate ALL of you RIGHT NOW.' Which means I hate you AND pesta AND derk. And RIGHT NOW means I won't eventually. Why? Really? Ask yourself why. Its not rocket science for fucks sake. I may be over reacting but your just gonna have to deal with that because I feel everything more deeply than you. I am also more emotional. You should be used to that by now. Just because someone says they're busy doesn't mean they can't become un-busy. I was at my dads Saturday. All fucking day. Doing nothing. A fucking fit is not disrespectful. Its childish. Learn the difference. Obviously you've never been in a situation like this. Every single time I make plans with someone ahead of time they fucking bail on me. And most of the time its at the last minute. Nobody ever fucking tells me anything either. My whole fucking life this has been happening. There have been too many times to count where someone has bailed on me and someway I find out it was to do something else. Or purposefully not invite me. I was always the outcast. The weirdo. The loner. I really only had two friends until 7th grade. And I was bullied. I have insecurities. It would wise for you to become more sensitive to things like that if ever wish to have any kind of relationship with anybody. Are you leaving next and never coming back or something? Because that's what you make it sound like.

Berg: deal with you flipping out whenever someone hangs out with friends without you, deal with you over reacting and accusing us of trying to purposely exclude you when all we were doing was just chillen? thats fucking bull shit, you need to grow the fuck up cause im not gonna apologize for hanging out with pesta and derek espeacially after i tried to make plans with you, and i would like to spend some time with them before i leave cause after boot camp i g et 10 days back then im gone for 4 years maybe more if they decide to prolong my active duty, so yes id like to spend time with my friends all my time c ant go just to you, when i say i want to spend more time with you im telling the truth but i'd also like to spend time with the only people who have had my back for the past 7 years, i owe them more then that, and none of us think of you as an outcast or weird... well i can only speak for myself i guess , but ive never heard pesta or derek say you were or hint that you were... and i didnt cancel the plans for monday i could've even stayed the night and shit, and pesta said straight up he might not be able to go, and instead of flipping out at everyone maybe you shouldve schedualed another day to do wha tever, or say you want to do somethin whenever we get the chance and this shit would happen, and you might think im being insensitve, im standing my gro und and im not gonna kiss your ass every time you get upset cause of something like people hanging out without you when they werent trying to exclude yo u, i will not let anyone walk all over me again and you should know that by now and deal with it

Me: You better learn to deal with it if you want this relationship to last. If you really cared about me the way you say you do then we wouldn't be in this position because when someone cares about someone else, and they feel hurt, the other person does not treat them like shit. They listen and they compromise. They think about 'us'. Not 'i'. I don't need to do anything. If anybody NEEDS to do something its YOU. You need to learn how to speak to me with some fuckin decency. I told you before I am NOT your mother or your grandmother. Do NOT speak to me like that. You need to learn what the word 'empathy' means as well. And maybe try to feel it for once. You are only seeing things from your side and you are NOT always right. And I'm not saying that I'm always right either but at least I know how to understand where other people are coming from and compromise. Something you are refusing to do. When I invited pesta two weeks ago he told me he COULD go. Three days before I ask him if he can drive and he tells me he can NOT go because his brother needed his car by 3pm. You three seem to only tell each other these kind of details. Do you know how fucking annoying it is when people do that to you? And fucking constantly? I doubt it. That was the LAST possible day for skating at the dome. EVER. I told everybody I invited that. And I know I did because I thought it would be incentive for people to go. Apparently not. Oh yes, I do that. And guess what. It never fuckin works out! I'm done making plans with people who completely unreliable. I am beyond sick of it! Maybe if you had that happen to you as many times as it has happened to me, you would actually understand why I am 'flipping out!'  Ahah oh really? Trying to tell me girls aren't allowed at the dorms? Didja think that excuse would actually work? I'm not fucking stupid, or saying you should 'kiss ass', and I am most definitely not 'walking all over you'. Yes you are being insensitive. You're the only one who doesn't think so. I admit this 'argument' could've gone differently if both of us could change a few things. I'm giving ground. And you, being so fucking stubborn, are not. Relationships are about compromise. You cannot think only of yourself the way you are and I know I can't either. I know how to care about someone more than myself and put them before myself. Especially with the little things. I have learned. And you had better learn that quick if you want this relationship to even remotely work.

(Our argument is not done at all. This is just what's been said so far)

In the argument I talk about plans I made with all of them. At the metrodome in mpls they annually have roller skating there. Its called roller dome. Just skatin through the halls. Me and my dad have been going there for about a decade and we haven't gone the last 2 or 3 years. The metrodome is being torn down so the new Vikings stadium can be put in there so this past Monday was our LAST chance to go. They have a few more dates but we couldn't go those days. And thinking it'd be fun to get some 'friends' to come along I invited a few people. Nobody came. If me and berg hadn't started fighting on the weekend he would've been the only one to go. I still had a good time with my dad though.

So on to yesterday. Tuesday. I got up early because a friend of mine was going to work on my gmas vans speedometer. We were supposed to meet at 11am. He didn't show up until 1:30. Didn't even get any time to look at the van cause he was driving around with people doing little errands. I had to leave for my college class with my mom at 3:30. Barely made it to my gmas by then.

So right now I'm at my friends house with the van having him work on it. Been here an hour so far. Hopefully ill get back to my gmas by 1:30 so I can take a shower and sew a little before I go to class again tonight.

Sigh well I think ill leave off right there for now. If more words are said between me and my bf I shall make another post. Sayonara for now reader.

'Invisible'

Do I seem invisible
Do my words bother you
Or just not reach you
Please tell me

Am I invisible
When I walk beside you
When I hole your hand
Or try to touch you

Why have you made me invisible
I'm your only daughter
So why do you make me a ghost
Are you haunted by one

Can I be invisible
Can I disappear
Would you notice
Or even care

To be invisible
Is to be sad
To be sad
Is to make your soul disappear

*wrote this for my gma and her dad*

'Are You There'

Are you there
When I need you
To hold my hand
To help me by

Are you there
When I ask you to care
To be there for me
To tell me its going to be okay

Are you there
When I ask you why
Did something happen to you
What made you so shy

Are you there
To see me off
Did you notice the empty space
That I once occupied

Are you there to notice
That I'm doing what you are
I'm leaving a rift
I'm not even speaking

*Wrote this for my gma and her dad*

Lord of The Rings

Anybody who knows me, knows how much I love the Lord of The Rings trilogy. I own all the extended versions and I know every line to every movie. Imagine how many times I've had to watch to know that haha. I haven't watched all the special features (except for the first films) and I haven't watched them with all the commentaries yet. But I will get around to it! Eventually. I also own the all-in-one edition of the books but I haven't quite gotten around to reading that yet. I don't really know why. Probably because I hate when the story ends. Every time I watch The Return of The King I always cry through the last hour or so... yes I get that emotional over them. The first set I had I unfortunately lent them to my ex (who was my bf at the time) and he never gave them back. Not even a fuckin year later. He would always say he was going to mail them to me but of course he never did. And a week ago my dad bought the blu-ray versions of the film so he gave his dvd set because he knows how much I love the movies. I just finished watching them for the first time in over a year. They are still amazing. The world Tolkein imagined is so incredibly beautiful. Even being a city girl I would give up everything just to live there. I remember watching the movies a few years ago and wishing to have been a part of it... if only id known they were making The Hobbit!! Oi. Sigh I can still dream though. Ill just have to make do with being a huge fan and seeing The Hobbit movies as many times in theater as possible :) and ill wait for those to come out as extended versions to watch those a million times too. Everything about the movies, the looks, the features, the story, the actors, is absolutely perfect.

Oh I could go on and on about how much I love them but I suppose I should get some sleep. Good night all! And may you find your own hope and courage :)

Curiosity of a fuckin cat (march 17th)

I swear I must have been a cat in a past life or something. I have the unlucky curiosity of one. Hung out with my bf again today. Didn't exactly start out well with the ride over to my gmas from his house about 1 in the afternoon. I was trying to goofishly hold his hand and all he did was hurt my hands. He was in some sort of bad mood to begin with it seemed. We got to my gmas and I took a shower and while I was he fell asleep. So I let him sleep for an hour downstairs before he came upstairs where I was watching Supernatural on netflix. I gave him the cold shoulder for about another hour or so. Then when we were watching tv my dad called me. So I went downstairs to talk to him where it was quiet. Mike had left his phone out again... my curiosity got the better of me and I looked at his phone... he told me had stopped talking to the girls I had a problem with. Looking through his messages it seems he stopped talking to one (SM) and another (SD) he had not only NOT stopped talking to her, he was making plans to hang out with her...   I must have huge blinking signs that shout 'LIE TO ME' or something cause I can't think of any other reason why he would continue to lie to me. Fuck if he leaves his phone out again and has messages like that on there I'm gonna bring it up. He can't keep doing this to me. I'm so fucking sick of it. Why do I let him do these things to me? Is it because I love him that much? Sigh

The rest of the night went ok I guess. We made love and I cooked for us then took him home late after my gma got home. I also gave him a bloody nose and bloody lip, on accident of course. Sigh

Semi disappointing day

Today my gma had me watch her dog while she spent the day in mpls. She was gone for most of the day. I was gonna have my bf come over so we could have some time alone but he didn't. Had to stay home and do his slave work. Yes, slave work. That's what I call it. He does everything. My mom says its just chores and there's nothing wrong with that. But its more than just chores. I don't think he'd like me getting too personal about his home life so ill just say that he lives with two women that make him do everything they 'cant' do. Apparently they're basically disabled. If you were disabled would you have 30 dogs and a million cats? Just taking care of one or 3 is a lot of work. Imagine how much work it is with about 40 animals. And on top of that, house work, and marine workouts. And he gets pissy at me when I worry about his well being and how much sleep he doesn't get. I wanna make it easier for him but he's pretty much trapped there =/ sigh

I spent most of the day sitting upstairs watching supernatural while I worked on my quilting stuff. That is a good show but not one I should be watching in an old house when I'm by myself haha. Thankfully though my gma got home before dark and I went in the basement to work on more quilting stuff and watched LOTR. I know every word to all the extended editions of those movies. I'm not crazy or obsessed. I just love it that much. I'm trying to get around to reading the books but I have the all in one version and that thing is fricken huge! I love everything Tolkein wrote.  Its really too bad Peter Jackson can't make movies of all his books. Everything about the movies and the books is amazing. Just watch the special features of the movies :) and yeah, I've watched all those too. Took quite a few days. Don't worry, only watched them once haha.

On a better note my mom got me some breast cancer awareness fabric. I'm making a quilt for my aunt. She had breast cancer but she beat it whoo! And a few weeks ago I was going through some of my boxes (where most of my stuff is) and found some unused fabric. Some of it was for breast cancer awareness. I figured id make a quilt for her with it but I needed more than a few squares of it haha. Today I finished sewing and ironing some other fabric for her quilt and cut the fabric my mom got me. So tomorrow when I go back over to my gmas I can start sewing the whole thing together.   Sigh I have so many quilts to make. Good thing its become my new obsession haha.

Well that's its for today. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

"For You"

Its for you that I write this
To show you what you have done
To wait for your reaction
To see if you knew

Its for you that I do this
I'm returning the favor
I'm making something
If only by mistake that it happens

Its for you that I show you my scars
So maybe you'll understand
So maybe you'll stop
So maybe you'll realize my pain

Its for you that you see this
See my words
See them be absorbed
But are quickly forgotten

I do this to you
Because you've done this to me
You've made me soulless
You've made me a monster

* I think I wrote this about my dad a few years ago when we were fighting. When we fought it would get really bad and id have anxiety attacks and cut. Not fun =/

Need A Break

Sigh I'm stressin about a few things right now, some trivial, some not. Warning: strong language ahead, brace yourself.

#1. My gma. Yesterday and today I go over to my gmas. Yesterday I went over there when she was gone so I figured id watch some netflix while picking thread out of fabric (I'm making a quilt.) I watch two episodes of a show and then she gets home. Almost immediately she makes herself food, comes over to where I'm sitting, and demands that I move over because I'm in 'her' spot. I was comfortable where I was. So I said I didn't want to move. Then she takes the remote and changes what I was watching. That pissed me off so I just left. Today she did basically the same thing. She was reading in her room so I go to watch tv in the living room. Then I have to leave to go get my mom and when I get back she's fuckin watchin tv. I get that its her house and her tv and shit but I still think that's pretty  fuckin rude. Ugh!

#2. My mom and her car and her court shit. I'm 18. My parents have been 'divorced' (they were never married and the word separated makes it sound like they'll get back together) since I was a baby. My whole life has been one big stupid custody battle. My mom had custody until 2005, I was 12 and going into 6th grade. My dad claims that my mom never paid child support and my mom claims she did. All my life I've been put in the fucking middle of this shit and it has sucked. I guess my dad is taking my to court for the child she supposedly owes him. I'm so fucking sick of this shit I just want it to be over with for fucks sake!! Sigh and if he takes money from her we will be stuck in bump fuck annandale with a broken down car and no way to fix it for a very long time. If I get enough money to move out I wanna make sure that I won't be leaving my mom behind in this shitty place. And she rarely let's me use her car because the struts are going out or something. I swear, nobody in my family ever fuckin thinks.

#3 My BF. Again. Sigh I was arguing with him again tonight. This time it was about him not sleeping well. He always says 'ill sleep when I'm dead.' That makes me mad. Sleep deperivation can have serious consequences?(or complications?) And he thinks he'll get by with just a few hrs of sleep a night. I care about him therefore I care about his well-being, which is something he's never cared much about. He was pissing me off so much that I stopped texting him a little after 9pm. And its gonna be that way for awhile until he actually starts getting sleep. 4 hrs of sleep with about 18hrs long days is not healthy. I want him to be healthy so he can be with me longer and he's not grasping that idea. I suppose I should probably get healthier myself. I eat quite a bit of junk and don't really exercise. I wanna do something about it but I don't have loads of money to buy organic food and I don't want to go outside when I hate just about everybody in this town.

Whaaaa I feel like I need to whine like a baby for a bit before I can deal with this shit =/

Sigh so that's basically it for now. Good night and good luck my readers. Whoever you may be.

"I Just Died"

I just died
Right in your arms
As you held me
You took away my life

I don't blame you
You didn't know what you were doing
It's not your fault
It is mine

I'm not strong enough
I cannot carry the burden
The burden of living
I thought you knew

You said you love me
Do you really mean it
Or were you lying
To get close enough to break my heart

I think you've succeeded
If that was your plan
Or it could have been me
I killed myself to save everyone from pain

"Luna, Love"

See the moon
See how it shines
How it makes humans swoon
With its delicate lines

See the girl
Who admires its beauty
How it makes her emotions swirl
How she's jealous of its beauty

See the boy
Who wants to become a man
Life is not a toy
So why does he think it is

They have one thing in common
They are in love with each other
But she obeys her mother
And him his mother

Why can't they see
Why are they blind
Were they never free
To find what is kind

"The End"

She sits on the floor
Her hands on the sink
She can hear the faucet running
And her blood pulsing

She looks up
Looks at the red running down her arm
She can feel it
And still she fears it

The end is a scary thing to her
The open phone proves that
Proves that she was blind
She couldn't see what was happening before her very eyes

But she did sense it
She had a feeling
A feeling where she knew this would happen
She tried her best to deny it

Now as the red pools around
She wonders if he planned this
If he knew he would kill her
Though it was her hand that cut her wrist

This was the first poem I wrote. I didn't really have any inspiration for it I just felt the words needed to come out and I wrote them down and this was the product. Its mostly like that with the majority of my poems. They're all free verse but there are a few that rhyme a teeny bit.

So that's it for now!

Poems!

Well hello there reader! The last few days have been a teeny bit boring so I figured when they get that way I will write one of my poems. I have close to 300 so it shouldn't be a problem haha. I started writing a few years ago, about the same time I started cutting... so quite a few of them will be about that and depressing stuff. But not all of them are like that. So ill start tonight with the first poem I wrote and work my way up to the most recent.

A good day (march 5th)

Another good day. It was one of those days where you dont really do much except sit around your place, but who you're with makes all the difference. My mom was gonna leave by 5 in the morning for work so when my bf came into my room this morning i thought she had left and id be able to cuddle with him for awhile, but when he told me instead that skool was closed and my mom was still there, i was so happy that i got more time with him. Of course my mom had to leave first and she didnt leave till 8am grrr. But me and him laid on the futon talking for awhile until she left and then we tried to sleep for awhile. Didnt sleep well though. Him cause he doesnt sleep well in new places (Im the same way) and me because it was the futon and not my bed. Even so we were together. We got up a little after noon and i took a shower while he made some bacon. Burnt the oil in the pan so it was really smoky in the apartment. And we were able to finish what we had started the night before, before my mom came out of her room of course haha. And i cant really say we 'finished' but we did go a lot further than we ever have before so it was a bit intense, but in a good way.

Then my mom came home and we had to go to class. If it wasnt the first day of a new class i wouldve stayed home to spend more time with my bf. But i had to go and leave him at the apartment all alone with only my two kitties and puppy to keep him company. I know he'll take good care of them while im gone haha.

Going down to skool i fell asleep in the car. I was so tired. And even in class i was fighting to stay awake. I couldnt focus too much on the class itself, it was about ergonomics which is basically common sense type shit, so i played a bejewled game on my phone while listening to the instructor talk. And listening to my mom and our kind of friend edward talk. Oh edward. He acts like a little kid on crack or something haha. He talks so fast i can barely understand what he's saying and he goes off on really random shit. Nice guy and all, but way too energetic haha.

Well I'm super tired so that'll be all for tonight.

Through the bad to the good(march 4th)

Well today was so much better thankfully.

Spent the night at my gmas. Didnt sleep very well. Im so used to my own bed that I can never sleep well in another unless I spend a lot of time sleeping in it and getting used to it. It was so weird not to have my baby kitty Shawdow sleeping on me. Even though she wakes me up when she does sleep on me, I love it anyway haha. She is so adorable. But when i was at my gmas the only furry critter that slept with me was my gmas dog Laptop. He's a mutt. I know he's 1/3 poodle but I cannot remember the other 2/3 haha. He is so energetic. Ill be trying to sleep and he'll be trying to get attention and play. Not the best sleeping buddy but I didn't wanna be alone. Its creepy at my gmas house. So I got a few hours sleep and got up for work at 9:45. Gma was walking around upstairs at 7. She has very creaky floors. I couldnt really get back to sleep after that even though i tried.

So I got up for work and had to brush off the car. Got some snow. The brush thingy for wiping of a car is kinda short, and Im kinda short, and the van is kinda tall haha, so she had me use a household duster. Worked pretty good! Got to work and apparently there was an inspection going on. Yay. Not. For some reason the manager wanted me to do something new that day. Granted it was easier than front counter but I still didnt really know what the hell I was doing. He put me on back drive (back window where you pay) and dishes. The way the space was set up it wasn't exactly easy for me to see if there was a car there so thankfully the guy making the patties would let me know if I didnt notice a car right away. The dishes were groody (gross) of course and it was annoying because my hands kept freezing in the cold air and cold water. Oi. But I guess I cant really complain. Just gotta get used to it. Oh, and I absolutley love the fact the people are Minnesota nice! If they werent id be even more of a nervous wreck! Gotta love Minnesnowtans haha.

After work my bf and three of our friends came over to help me move some furniture. A couch, a futon, and two dressers. I paid them with food and they were more than happy with that XD. We had a lot of fun even though we were walking in the snow with frozen feet and hands moving heavy stuff. Gotta love those times where you're with friends doing something like chores or errands but, because of who you're with, it just seems so much better and entertaining. And my friends are definitely a veeeeerrrry odd bunch haha. Theyre awesome :)

So the futon was for when my bf stays the night. Didnt think sleeping on the floor on couch cushions would be very good. We spent a few hours cuddling and making up for lost time :P and just when things were getting 'hot' my mom comes out! Good thing she went to the bathroom first cause we were not decent at all XD. It feels so good to be with him and be happy with him after the horrible fight we had. I wanted to sleep in his arms but my mom wont let me >:(  oh well when she goes to work at 5am ill sneak into bed with him haha. And even then it wont be for long cause he has to go to skool. If he even does. He might skip. As much as I want him to stay and spend much needed time with him, I want him to go to skool and not flunk again. It seems im a bad influence ahah. Oh and he started wearing the ring I got him on his ring finger :) that made me really happy because it shows me that he wants to get married one day as much as I do. Which is why I wore mine on my ring finger since he got it for me. He didnt wear it on his ring finger before because he didnt want people thinking he was already married for some reason. Im glad he changed his mind

Hmmm well thats all for now. Tomorrow ill write more about thoughts and feelings i have cause im just too tired to do that tonight.

Nighty night and sleep tight my readers!

Annoyed Annoyed Annoyed

Today was pretty much negative. Sigh. Went to sleep around 4am. Woke up about 10 which was way too early for me so I tried sleeping more. Didn't work so well cause I had a headache. Wasn't incredibly bad but it was annoying enough to keep me from getting more sleep. That and the fact that I had had another fight with my bf. He had kept something from me he really shouldn't have: wanting to kiss a girl I hated. SM. He said he only wanted to kiss her to prove to her that a kiss doesnt have to mean something and to prove that he didn't have feelings for her. WTF was my reaction. You don't fucking kiss a girl to 'prove' that you dont like her. What the hell makes him think this shit is ok?! I don't mind if he wants to kiss other girls since we are in an open relationship, but don't hide it from me and don't fucking let it be with a girl who I hate and who hates me back. Seriously! We fought about that most of the day.

I got up at 2pm to get up for work. I work at a Burger King. Not the best of jobs I know but at least it's money in my pocket. So I got a ride from my mom, got there at four and started out my fourth day. It's starting to get a little easier but I always feel like I don't know what to do and everybody is always so busy. At least I worked at 4 so it was pretty slow. So slow that they sent me home two hours early. I was supposed to work till 8. I really don't want to work, mostly because customer service makes me nervous, but I wanted to work more and get used to it and know what I'm doing so I don't stand around looking stupid. I don't have my own car at the moment so I have to rely on my mom and gma for rides mostly. At least I have my license now haha. But when they let me off early I had to call my mom to come pick me up. Called her cell a few times, no answer. So I called my gma to see if she could get me. My mom was there. Asked her why she didn't pick up her cell, she had left it in the car... -.- I was annoyed. She does that all the time where I need to get ahold of her but she never has her phone near. Luckily I did get ahold of her and didn't have to sit at BK for two hours doing nothing.

Then she brought me back to my gmas. I have to work tomorrow at 11am and I'm going to borrow her van to go to work so I figured I'd stay te night instead of getting up an hour earlier than I have to and being super tired cause I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Then she and my gma got talking about the weather tomorrow. I was planning on switching the couch me and my mom have for my gmas futon, for when my bf stays the night. And also switching out my dressers because I need drawers and the one I have at the moment only has two tiny drawers. So when they started talking about the weather they decided it wasn't a good day for me to do the moving. Which meant I had to text my guy friends who were going to help me move and tell them the plan was off until further notice. I told my gma that we weren't getting the snow storm she thought we were getting and a few hours later she told me I could move the shit. -.- Im PMSing (don't care if that's TMI) and it really pissed me off. I don't like having to cancel plans and then re-plan them. But I suppose that was good news seeing as how that meant I would get to see my bf even though we're still kinda fighting.

I've been watching this show with my gma. It's about a guy who finds these couples who are getting married and are going to have a less than mediocre wedding and completely changes things to a dream come true for them. My Fair Wedding with David Tuterra. I'm the kind of person who cries a lot haha. And this show is so beautiful that it makes me tear up quite a bit. It also makes me think about me and my bf and our future. I know I'm going to marry him one day. No if's and's or but's. We will be together until we die. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Eventually he will be all I ever need but at this point in our lives and the paths we are taking, an open relationship is what's best. I hope that when we do get married it can be a small but very beautiful wedding. Better start saving up huh? Haha.

Well I suppose that's all for now folks :P gotta catch some z's if I want tomorrow to be good.

Good night and Good luck

First of many

                Well, my fist ever blog. this should be fun. I've never written a blog before but i think I'll like it. I need an outlet where i can get some feedback. That is if anyone one is interested enough to read it haha. I can say it will definitely be intersting at times. I've always got some drama going on or some random ideas/thoughts. I'm using a keyboard that is missing the little tile thing for the letter 's' and it is really annoying. I will do my best without it though. Sooo I think ill start writing about my day. Whoo.

                I woke up at noon today, like usual. I'm a night owl so I'm usually up till 4am and sleep in till 2pm. this past week though its been harder and harder for me to open eyes much less get up for the day. I just feel like sleeping forever. I want to sleep and dream of nothing or of something peaceful. Not the crazy shit that has me waking up with a mild anxiety attack. But I suppose thats just to be expected seeing as how i have been fighting with my bf for about a week now. Fuck it seems like it's been so much longer. (Caution: I like to swear. A lot.) Time goes fast when you're having fun but when you're having a horrible time it just seems to slow down. So I should probably tell you why me and my bf are fighting eh? Well me and him have a complicated relationship. Its an open relationship. We have a lot of history between us. Known each other for bout three years now I think, always been extremely close, but never in an actual relationship even though we acted like it all the time. Even when we were both in other romantic relationships. We bought promise rings for each other. (Don't ask me what the promise is. That's between me and him) He has, shall we say 'undesireable,' friends. Mostly girls. Three of them I have serious problems with. FYI been friends with all these girls a one point. 

One, (for privacy I'll just use initials) MD, has broken up me and two bfs, kept one bf from getting back together with me by telling him she was pregnant because they were fuck buddies, and gossiped about me quite a bit. Two, SD, hasn't actually done much but has instigated shit between me and #3, she also was a shitty friend to me. Three, SM, accused me of cheating with her bf and ading more fuel to a rumor fire about me.

He didnt cheat. Just talked about it. He was a virgin and I was not so he was always talking to me and asking advice about sexual stuff. We texted about it. Forgot my phone in the truck of the boyfriend of SD. Few days later SM is bitchin me out. Conncet the dots.

Apparently two of these girls (SM and MD) would say shit about me to my bf MB when they saw the ring I got him. And they did this quite often because he would tell me about it. If he was defending me at all it sure as hell wasn't much if they kept doing it. If I was him, I would've made those bitches pack their shit and get the hell out of my life. I've had to do that before. It's not easy. I voiced my concerns about his friendship with them and told him he could either have them, or me. luckily he chose me but that doesn't make me happy. I shouldn't have had to bring that up to him. He should have thought that hm, maybe having these childish friends who have hurt my gf and always bad mouth her, aren't very good friends, and maybe, that in itself might hurt my gf. Loyalty. Pick a side. I don't care that they haven't done anything to hurt you personally. YOU are in my life, they are in YOUR life, I don't want them in MY life. Whats in your life is inadverntaly in mine. Don't argue about it.

So our fight was really bad. And we just finally started talking a little normal today. But then my friend told me about SMs blog and she posted something about my bf. Something that has hindered my trust in him quite a bit. I'm emotionally exhausted and trying to prepare myself for the fight this information will provoke between us. It will hurt. A lot. Our last fight had me hyperventalating and i havent done that in a very long time. I hurt so fucking bad. But I don't want us to break up. I want to be with the rest of my life. He is the only one I will ever love.

Sigh so back to my day, kind of. I hung out with my stoner friend GB today. He really has a different way of tinking similiar to my own and we usually end up talking about philosophy. Which is amazing. We didn't hang for very long though. He came over for bout an hour and we watched part of "Castle In The Sky." I love Hayao Miyazaki and his movies. They're amazing. Then I layed in bed for awhile. Took my moms car to my gmas, and started working on a new quilt. I like quilting. dont really know why but i find it not exactly relaxing or peaceful but, something like that. I really cant think of a word to describe it right now. I finished one for my mom a week ago. Took me about two years to make it haha. Had a lot going on but now that I don't have as much shit in my life i can do things I've ben putting off Like this blog for example :)

Well it's 12:30am and I should be getting back home. Not to sleep. I won't sleep for a few more hours. But I need to get the car back for my mom. Fuck I need a cig. One more thing to spend money one hooray. Oi.

Ima no dokusha ni sayonara